Expect No Mercy.

We all suffer is some way or another, some people suffer a lot more than others, I don’t think I am worse of than many people but I do have “bleak” moments, moments where I don’t seem to be able to focus or be productive, this in itself makes me very unhappy as I have always been very productive in work and in family life!

It tends to creep up on you, usually when you least expect it, it will turn from light to darkness with surprising ease, when the darkness arrives it is total. These days I am in a better place than I have ever been, I reached out for help and learnt from the lessons, I am far from perfect and I do still have dark thoughts, or maybe than should be a very dark grey, I simply take life day by day unless I am in a bad way I take that simply hour by hour! Its fair to say though even with a lot of positivity I can still suffer. I’m assuming that I will be like this for the rest of my natural days, however as I keep repeating in blogs and to myself, I can simply take life as it comes and at one step at a time.

I’m glad that I reached out when I did as the pain and pressure that I was operating under was relentless, without that help who knows how much worse it could have become, I was suffering for much longer periods, I was more anti-social, I was very isolationist, and truth be told the only person I was doing serious damage to was myself, I have never intended to do any form of self-harm, I was aware that I didn’t want my family to suffer any of the consequences of my actions, I like to tell myself I was successful with that, others may disagree with me and I will apologise to anybody who does think otherwise, as I grow stronger with each passing day that’s the thing that I count my blessings for, the love of my family and most importantly the support my wife has offered over the years, I didn’t always take it, that was always my downfall!

I have a loving wife, loving kids, loving grandkids, and I tie them to me like a like a life preserver as if I had been on a sinking ship, they have all got their own issues in their lives, thankfully we all try to go merrily on. When I have an issue I see everything with nothing but bleakness and hopelessness, nothing helps, its simply best to leave me be to get over the speed bump in the my road, I do my mind exercises that I have been taught and they do help to steer me back to an even course, slowly yes, but it does help, but it varies from time to time life’s shit but in reality you simply have to get on with it.

When I feel like I am isolated, I know in reality hat the only person that is causing the isolation is myself, not friends not family not even work colleagues, it’s just me that’s making myself totally alone, I lose the will to do even the most simple of things, I refuse to want to reach out, I’m unhappy in my own little bubble and in some sadistic way its pleasurable, at least to my stupid brain, I simply wish to wallow in my dark thoughts, I’m not happy unless I am unhappy, strange but true. I don’t celebrate my birthday, I haven’t since I was a child and yes at that time I had my reasons, but 53 years down the line, those reasons simply don’t apply anymore, I have no idea how to enjoy myself, I struggle with Christmas (I have wrote tons on the subject) and I know why, my brother went through exactly the same crap regarding this festive holiday and he loves it, ok so he didn’t have 35 years of planning  for the season starting in February because I was working in a shopping centre, I am a recovering Christmasaholic lets take it one year at a time! I’m guessing my brother has a stronger personality than his younger brother.

I do have other issues (that I simply ignored and pushed further to the back of my mind) if you are a regular reader of the blog you will have seen some of the drivel that I have poured onto the page, I am aware they are in the grand scheme of things minor, but if you ignore them for long enough and they all gang up on you well it’s a right royal cluster f**k awaiting to happen. I do try very hard (sometimes even successfully) to stay positive for the family, mainly the wife as she is the only one who sees me every single day. The wife has it tough enough without me and my issues, the last few years have been particularly hard on her, I do try to help, I’m not sure how successful I am, but I am there for her.

In my darkest hour, when not even music helps, that’s when you know that I am on a particularly bad downward spiral, these are indeed the dark days, you can find ways to take your mind off the troubles that are gnawing at you like rats, the few times that music hasn’t helped have been some of the worst days of my life thankfully they have been few and far these days. I seem to bimble along for a couple of weeks, but there’s always a bump in the road ahead it can be very inconsequential, but the rats start pulling on the thread and then I am lost. Sometimes its as big as a land mine, thankfully this is even rarer and the last time it happened the wife and good friends helped me through it, it was the first one that actually happened in the street and I have no idea what the hell happened, I do know they saved me that day, and I finally went and asked for help!

While I do try and navigate the rocky road most of the time, something can simply pop up in my mind like a Molotov cocktail and it simply burns everything down. I’m not always as successful as I would like to be, I know I’m not cured, but I do know that I am better (allegedly) the aftermath of a bad episode is horrific, thankfully and it’s only to me, I can seem to function like a normal human being again, smile, chat, laugh at the appropriate thing without a glassy eyed stare, people don’t see behind my mask on those occasions, the fallout on these occasions that used to happen, I would feel wiped out, have no memory of what had happened, loss of a sense of time and would sleep the sleep of the dead for quite a few hours, with no sense of any knowledge of what I have done, I know I can navigate around people by wearing my mask of smiles however its simply because I’m on auto pilot that it has happened.

What seems to cause my issues at the moment (or rather its not helpful) is I have been recently diagnosed with Prosopagnosia (face blindness, look it up, Bradd Pitt has it) it even can effect self-recognition, although this hasn’t happened to me, it’s not going to kill me and it’s not going to get any worse, but it doesn’t help with my issues and sense of abandonment. Its at times like this when I didn’t know that I actually did have a medical condition, that I attempt to hold the world and its dog at arm’s length, I know everyone has some issues, but I tend to hold mine close to me almost to the point of oblivion, my diagnosis has made me aware that some of problems are real and not imagined, as I try and reason some of my issues back into the basement of my brain.

Time in reality does seem to be the best healer, when my dark thoughts rise to the surface like a submarine preparing to hole me under the water line, if given enough time those thoughts start to fade like the morning tide retreating from the shoreline, then the clouds part and the sun rises and the bleakness starts to fade, they never leave me permanently there’s always some fragments floating, I’d be a fool to say that I was cured permanently, but I am doing better, the sense of disappointment when an incident does occur doesn’t help with my mood, but I am aware of the way my moods work now as opposed to me thinking that the universe hates me! The mood will stay at least two steps behind me at all times; I can self-sabotage myself better than anybody else can to an Olympic standard!

There’s never a warning when this is going to happen it simply arrives like a flood and it over powers my mind, a tsunami of bleakness that is all encompassing, its hard to describe to somebody who hasn’t been affected in any way I know its self-inflicted, buts it still very real to the sufferer, but and I can’t stress this, I honestly am in a much better place than I was 5 years ago, ten years ago even 40 years ago, those were the bad times, when I howled at the moon on a regular basis and I pushed any kind assistance away, I’m surprised that any friends stayed with me, I know its really hard to imagine, but when its good it’s great, but and there’s always a but, I know it’s like a ticking clock, and its only a matter of time before it happens once again.

I have had issues with my mental health for nearly 44 years some times were horrific to me and nobody knew, I tried to drink with the big boys and failed but it did at the time simply push further to the back of my mind if only for a short period of time, I should have dealt with it a damn sight sooner, but being a typical man, “there’s no issue, where’s my pint” yes I know I was a bloody idiot!

What can I do to rectify this issue? I simply have to try and crack on, carry on with my brain exercises, try to be positive even when I don’t want to be, without positivity I can’t remerge into being a normal human, I have come to realise that my writing has helped me unbelievably, believe it or not but if I get it down on to paper (yes actual paper) it helps, once its done it gets shredded, I don’t want any of my black thoughts to pollute the world, and I don’t need them to hang around my neck like a giant bloody albatross.

Most people do not realise what people are going through, on a day-to-day basis, some people could be having one meltdown after another, I have been there it’s not nice, I wouldn’t wish my problems on anybody even now when they have been reduced to a dull blur. Be kind be thoughtful anybody can go through a bad spot in their life.

After this blog, the rest of the blogs for the year will be simple “Four on the Floor” types of blog as I believe the well has run dry for life affirming blogs after this one, I need to reset and try and focus on me for a change and not the bile that I can produce, I don’t want anybody to think that I’m in a bad place, believe me I’m not, I was close earlier in the week, but thankfully I gave my head a shake and give myself a stern talking to and it seemed to help, I think a slight pause will  help me (fingers crossed) the stress levels from work have increased and although I enjoy being busy my body is crumbling, a reset hopefully will reframe how I am doing in life in general, I know I can expect no mercy from life itself, that’s why  I have pulled over to the side of the road and I have wound the widow down so I can get some fresh air into me.

So, stay safe, stay alive if you have friends and family love them and keep them close, and if you are having issues reach out, ask for a helping hand a five-minute conversation might just save the day, there is always a helping hand out there, even out in blogosphere many people have been kind and helped they don’t realise it, but they have! I’m not going anywhere so until the next time, and there will be a next time………. Toodles!

And if you hadn’t guessed it yes, the name game is in play!