Lust for Life.

This well could be up there as a contender for the longest blog ever, let’s see how we do! As always, it’s written with the best intentions, fingers crossed here goes!

I’m not rom a big family, well it could have been, I’m the second son of two I have an older brother by three years and before him there was two girls that was miscarried and after him there was another two girls that were also miscarried, my brother was lucky as his umbilical  cord was wrapped around his neck he was very small as a new born, I was born and spent the first six weeks of my life in an incubator, most details in our family life were seemingly kept secret, my brother and I only found out about the miscarriages when my mother made a glib remark to my sister in law, we were both gobsmacked with our jaws somewhere around our knees, my sister in law was shocked that we didn’t know, the process of hiding our life story started there, I bet there are somethings of the family history I know and my brother doesn’t and vice versa, we are blokes so we will never find out anytime soon. from time to time I wonder if I would have been even born if any of the girls had survived?

Boyhood was nice to start with from what I remember we lived in an upstairs flat which I thought was huge, no central heating (it was the sixties) and an out-door toilet, a shared yard and it would appear that I annoyed my brother quite a bit, (isn’t that what younger brothers do?)we moved to a council bungalow and there was some minor drama as we house swapped with a couple whose husband was very ill we ended up in a three bedroomed house before we even moved into the bungalow, life seemed good, although as youngsters you never see the storm clouds coming, suddenly there was hushed conversations and then all of a sudden my father was gone, strange times indeed, life got hard as did my brother and me developed hardened shells to the crap that came our way from arseholes who couldn’t handle it when it happened to them and me and my brother paid them back in kind.

As a child I was very active, there wasn’t a name for it and I was boisterous, I don’t think that I was on the spectrum or anything but I got the distinct impression, some parents of my friends didn’t care for me, even though I was courteous and polite to adults when spoken to, I always said please and thank you, I do think though that they might have thought I was a little wild, my brother and I argued as brothers do, and I have a feeling my brother took the disappearance of our father harder than me, something that I think shaped his life that lasts to this day, me I simply bimbled on, I am going to skip over the bulk of this period as I have covered it in other blogs, life was crap we worked hard we both had odd jobs over our teenage years, and as we got older we mellowed towards each other, it got a lot better when I joined the army but that didn’t pan out (see previous blogs) and I ended up bouncing from various jobs until I discovered songwriting, then I had a very profitable three years.

I enjoyed school, I had a gaggle of friends who with me did typical boys things, we had similar interests, Girls, music, sports and then more girls, i can honestly say it was the most concentrated happy time in my life, the five years in senior school was the last time I didn’t have the weight of the  world on my shoulders, again I was typically bimbling along in my own tunnel visioned version, I was oblivious to life in general, but I was happy in my blissful ignorance, I worked so I had some money as did my brother, we helped out at home financially, all the while our mother kept the house going in a way god only knows how she did it, it must have been hell for her although we both tried our best to be a good example of her solid upbringing, thankfully it was before the digital age, some of the things that I got up to would have turned her grey, lord knows what my brother got up to, always a dark horse we will never know.

I also discovered girls in a typical teenage way and again have written a blog about this, I was a boy, I would like to think that I was a gentleman, but as I get older, I seem think that I was a shit nothing sinister, and simply wanted to do things that I wanted to do, probably not very socially aware, just a typical teenage boy from the seventies! Not realising that they may have wanted to something that they wanted to do, shopping or going to the picture’s, I could be a typical boy when I was at school, however when I left school and came back from the army I wasn’t totally successful with the opposite sex, I could talk to them and I had plenty of female friends, but I definitely didn’t know how to ask a girl out, I still don’t, since school I have been out with three girls and I married two of them and they all asked me out, go figure! Allegedly there were girls who fancied me but I was oblivious to there attempts to get my attention, D’OH!

I had the same friends for the full five years and life seemed good, I like to think I got on with people, however as I get older I wonder if they simply put up with me, again I was flighty and to be honest once I had my placement for the army I wasn’t really bothered (again see previous blogs) about academia, the subjects I liked I studied, the ones I didn’t, I simply attended and tried not to cause any problems, it’s funny I left school the friends that were there soon disappeared from view, different lives, different outlooks, I get that, I have only one friend who I see from school from time to time, he was my best friend for a long time but then we drifted apart, its still the same level of humour and sarcasm when we see each other and I still class him as a dear friend but life moves on, occasionally someone from that lifetime appears and we connect for a brief moment, I still class them as friends (am I wrong to do that) but as I have said already the world keeps turning and its not what it was back in the day!

Music came into my life in the early 1970’s  and it has never left me, it has become all-encompassing it’s the one constant through my life, from when I listened to music, when I was in bands, when I was a songwriter ( a lyricist if you please ) again all things that I have blogged about in  the previous 600+ blogs, I love all things musical, it frustrates that I cant play a bloody instrument, and yes believe me I have tried, new friends appeared, musical friends and they were a major part of my life, my first wife didn’t care much for them probably because they could see what I couldn’t, we shouldn’t  have got married, I thought I was being a knight in shinning amour and saving her from her troubles and she let me, I don’t hold a grudge against her, I simply wished I hadn’t been so naïve and she had been honest, I was disappointed when we split (see previous blogs) we were young and daft and thought we were doing the right thing, I have seen her a couple of times in the 40 odd years since we got married and she says hello, and I reply in kind, I wish her nothing but happiness in her life, she got on with hers and I got on with mine.

What didn’t help was I was suffering from PTSD and she didn’t have any idea on how to deal with this, my experience in the army had ended badly (see previous blogs) and I simply didn’t know how to deal with it, I moved around a lot at this point and although my friends knew, they also didn’t know how to handle it, thankfully I was getting better at masking it, so I could get on with my life in a positive way, I finally got a job that was secure and kept me in one spot and things calmed down, more new friends as I was primarily based in and around Newcastle, girls were off limits because I realised that not many wanted to go out with me “I want to be friends” I took the hint and stopped bothering, the start of me cutting things out of my life that I was crap at! Life seemed good, I was starting to save a little bit although I also had a tendency when shifts allowed to bugger off and visit the friends who had dispersed around the country and see bands, little did I know that things were about to change again and thankfully they were going be of a lasting benefit.

I met the wife and we started “dating” it was something I had assumed that was simply not going to happen, my friends all had girlfriends, it would appear that my streak that I had at school was over and I was destined to live out my days single, and I wasn’t complaining, I just got on with it, we tentatively had a few dates and we hit it off, same tastes in music, drink, friends, films, Humour and the lists continue, we have been together 35 years coming up, life hasn’t all been sweetness and light, no but we were both adults who had been there before and we simply have been truthful with each other, I said something to her that I hadn’t said to my first wife, I simply told her that I loved her, something neither me or my first wife had ever done, that should have been the first sign! she has helped me, through my issues with PTSD, the anger and frustration, when things goes wrong (she gets way more angrier than me, who would believe it lol) my ongoing health issues, even though hers are worse than mine, we are both on the same page, and we are honest with each other, could it be better? Probably but we like what we have, we enjoy each other’s company, and to be slushy we love each other.

I moved to be with her and we had a couple of nice houses in Wallsend and North Shields, I didn’t foresee moving back Gimpsville, I mean I didn’t want to, until one faithful night when I should have kept my mouth shut when the Kraken (my mother in law see previous blogs) said she wanted to move to the country when she retired and I said as I went through the room at the time “move to Gimpsville there’s loads of countryside there” three weeks after, she had  found a house and transpired that we were now looking to move as well! So, we moved back to Gimpsville not to the original house we were going to move to, as usual there were a few shenanigans to get past but we got sorted and we have been here for just over 23 years, the Kraken passed just over two years ago and now it’s me trying to help the wife coming to terms that life has to move on otherwise we die on the vine!

Work wise I was happy but I kept getting promoted simply because I think they thought that if they promoted me, it would shut me up! Erm hell no, and then all off a sudden there was the pandemic and the world tilted ever so slightly and I got laid off, but thankfully found a new role in a new place. Before I left my previous employment I had a major meltdown and the wife and some friends were in a panic as it was the worst meltdown ever, thankfully I decided to get help, this I definitely blogged about and after 22 weeks I made a break through and realised it wasn’t my fault, I moved a better place in my life, not as angry , I slept better, life was going in the right direction for once! The second-best thing I did (after meeting the wife) was asking for help, am I cured? No, I’m not but I’m 95% better than I was when I sleep I actually dream, I dream in colour, I don’t relive the worst 6 minutes in my life over and over again, every day I wake up I strive to be a better version than I was the day before, it seems to be working, of course I still get from time to time the black dog “Bob” he is still with constantly out there in the woods waiting to creep forward and drag me away from reality and happiness, again see previous blogs!

Me and the wife are hoping for a better life ( a lottery win would help)music still plays a massive part of my life, but I have started to watch the TV with the wife, usually documentaries, or old films I really was born in the wrong era, I do like films from the 20’s all the way up to the early sixties, with the occasional “new” film being let in, the wife thinks I’m nuts, I probably am as I tend to watch them early in the morning ( I seem to wake up at around 3 AM every bloody morning so it’s not like I can do the hoovering) is it a better life, it’s a different one, which I try to adapt to and then I try to be happy with my lot, I know some people wouldn’t recognise the person I have become recently!

Recently I have been diagnosed as having something called Prosopagnosia (Brad Pitt has it so it must be great) its face blindness, I struggle to recognise people, I usually remember how they walk or their hairstyle (I’m screwed if the wife ever shaves her head) but I do know some people t work took offence with me until somebody explained that I have an issue, its not going to kill me its not going to get any worse, but if you have seen me and I haven’t seen you, now you know why I didn’t wave, I honestly thought I had dementia, thankfully I don’t (this week) its why I have done this blog so there is some reference to my life I do get the dreaded D word!

So how do I feel now? I would say happier, I wish I were more healthy, I’m more worn out now than I have been, I’m sure that’s an age thing, and my body has finally caught up with me and well and truly kicked my ass, I’m not perfect, but I do try to be the best that I can be every single day, let’s just say it’s a work in progress and I think it’s working, I would like to thank all of my friends past and present and any of the new ones further down the road in my future my thanks for putting up with me and my many moods, if you have stayed this long reading this blog, its not the best version but it’s the version presented itself on the day, so watch the skies for new incoming the log jam has been broken, stay safe and stay alive, until the next time (and no this isn’t the longest blog but it is in the top ten) Toodles!

 

And yes, the name game is in play and its so bloody easy!