I just can’t be happy today!

Today I’m fine I’m not unhappy, I’m not walking around laughing and slapping people on the back, but I’m doing ok, this has been written for a while (with just a few changes) I had tried to do it when I was really down and to be honest the police would be at my door because the original was so bleak, hopefully this version isn’t, let’s go with the flow.

I’m usually ok if I wake up “happy” I may not stay that way but as long as I get up in a good mood, I’m pretty sure I can survive the bulk of the day, go figure! On this particular day I got up tired but I wasn’t in a bad place, I went about my daily routine, bathroom, washed teeth cleaned, dressed, breakfast, cleaned my teeth again (I know I’m nuts) sort the dishes out pack my bag, make some bait and then head out for the bus around 05.50, normally there might be one or two others there, but it’s the holidays so nope its just me for my bus.

I’m left to my thoughts, I choose the first album of the day, Jellyfish Bellybutton, I like it it’s a good album, however my good mood hasn’t lasted, dark thoughts have surfaced, nothing in particular just dark for the sake of being dark, no idea why, the next album played is the Regatta debut ( a Canadian group from the early 90’s)  again the music is chipper I’m not, off my bus and wait fifteen minutes for my connection, I’m like everybody else in the bus station no eye contact no interaction, just chill time, bus turns up and I get to play some bus seat bingo (see previous blogs) the people who get this bus really do like their personal seats (tee hee) I reach my destination, a slow walk across the car park, I’m usually the first person in the building apart from the support team, I get to the desk (I don’t have a desk it’s a hot desk situation) I never put the lights on, its summer I’m next to a window I don’t need any additional lights, it feeds my mood..

Soon like the tide people arrive, some converse, some don’t, I wear my mask of smiles and pretend to be cheerful, these people haven’t done anything wrong why should I take my mood out on them. I start work slowly ticking things off my list, emails tick, investigations tick, be jolly with my boss (gritted teeth) tick, not at my boss I just hate having to pretend to being jolly,  print reports off tick, I like to be organised, start the first main job of the day, I don’t want to chat so I put my headphones on (UFO Mechanix) and just knuckle down to it, first meeting of the day, my mood stays the same, my mood has flatlined, but I’m with people so I have to get on with it and try to be “nice”. I do genuinely try to get in a good groove its not other people it’s me and I know it is, the days not helped by dealing with educated people who are thick and feel entitled (grrr).

People in the office are getting the vibe thankfully the people in my team are aware and know just to let me get on with it, I’m concerned that my mask could be slipping, maybe food will help, it’s my usual, a small sandwich (turkey today) as I am desperately trying to lose some weight so I can have my knee operated on, the sandwich is nice but boring, that’s not a complaint I make my own food, more music (FM Indiscreet) my mood hasn’t improved but the mask is back in place, my work mate to the side of me knows how to get me back on track we talk about music, (Iron Maiden’s world slavery tour) and it does right my ship a bit more, but now I have to play Powerslave, hmm metal music isn’t conducive to a happy office (see I have started to cheer up purely because I am playing it at a volume that can be heard lol) it’s the simple things in life, unfortunately my work mind has slipped I can see blue sky and I have started to drift, maybe its time to head home.

The journey in reverse with more music (Prince 1999) the bus is more full, at least I can make my connection and I can drift off for the next 45 minutes, a slow walk from the bus station to home all 279 steps (I’m sad I counted them) then to wear my last mask of the day the wife has a crap time of it of late, I am trying to help her, so I try to be cheerful for her when I go through the front door, I am happy to see her, my mood at this stage isn’t terrible it’s just slightly off, I do my few chores I cook the tea ( I like to cook) then to veg for a couple of hours talking to her and watching TV. So ends another day, not one of my better ones, not one of my worst, I’m a lot better than I used to be, I’m not the angry young man that I was, world weary at times but I do try to be happy.

So there you have a day in the life of a miserable bastard, work for five days (I wish I could retire)then allegedly two days off at the weekend, never seems like two, I really am in a much better place than I used to be, honest would I lie to you, actually I do believe I have addressed this before, I do try to be as honest as I possibly can, life’s crap but it wont beat me it might kick me in the arse from time to time but I can deal with that!

Numbers are slowly coming back to normal, but the newer blogs seem to be doing better than usual so I can live with that, I do have a few blogs kind of half way written, so that’s why there’s been a few have come along in quick succession, don’t worry it wont last, it never does, the name game is an easy one (its from the album that I played this morning I do have such an eclectic taste Dua Lipa is up next who knew????) so stay safe stay alive and try to stay happy, be aware there is a “Now Hear This” blog on the horizon so if you want to ask something, ask now or forever hold your peace! And with that I go back to do some more work in preparation for tomorrow, it’s a big day, so until the next one………. Toodles!

Sailing.

I did the North sea Jazz Festival in Holland for five years on the trot (1986-90), it was away to get some fresh air, away from all of the trials and tribulations that was going on around my personal life, the first four there was just three of us Stevie who I worked with and his best mate Ian (Robbo) it was a giggle, great music in great venues, no drama, a few beers, we didn’t go daft and definitely no drugs we were all against it, they all ran quite smoothly, the last one there were around 15 of us again Stevie’s mates from his rugby team, this wasn’t going to be as quiet as the first four.

We set off on the Wednesday, I stayed in Gateshead as the ferry was early ish, I awoke nice and early however I didn’t feel fresh, I felt decidedly off kilter, and I wasn’t sure why, the bus picked us up I knew some of the guys to say hello to, but not what I would have said I could have (and still can’t) had any real conversation with them outside of hello, I was given given a potted history of them and by the time we hit the Tyne Bridge the beer was open on the bus, I had to say no as my head was banging and I really did feel like shite!

As I got off the bus my head was simply getting worse I couldn’t even walk a straight line, I went to the shop on board and bought some painkillers, it brought it down to a dull roar, I soon parted company from the guys as I didn’t want to be a killjoy, so I sat out on the deck hoping to get some fresh air, every time I had been on the ferry it was smooth sailing, this time it wasn’t, it was like being on a rollercoaster, I headed back into the cabin and tried to get some sleep even the bar was empty once the sea got going.

Robbo checked in on me and was a little concerned, I wasn’t sea sick but my head was bouncing, it wasn’t the longest journey I simply wanted to be on something that wasn’t bouncing all over the place, during the course of the trip there were a number of injuries to crew and  passengers, according to a member of the crew this had been his roughest sailing in 18 years, at the dockside there were a number of ambulances to take away the sick and walking wounded, I approached one of the team dealing with the passengers and he directed me to an actual doctor, I explained about my head, no I hadn’t been drinking, no I hadn’t hit it all the usual questions and I explained it was mainly on and around my left ear, he had a quick look and then sprayed something into my ear, I had a pretty bad ear infection, the spray did wonders (allegedly it was an antibiotic spray) he gave me a prescription for some more antibiotics, he warned me not to drink (oh whoopee) and it should clear up in a couple of days.

On the bus it did seem to be working although my head still felt like it had been kicked repeatedly, we got to our hotel and I asked the receptionist where I could get the prescription filled, she took it from me and said the hotel would get it otherwise it would cost me a fortune, which was nice of her to do this ( at the time I hadn’t bothered to get a European medical card)  I went to bed the lads went to the bar, about an hour after I got to bed there was some urgent knocking at the door and an elderly gentleman was asking me if I was the patient, baffled and confused I realised he was talking about me, yes I am, it was the chemist from the pharmacy, he asked me my symptoms asked what had occurred, but warned me that these were strong antibiotics and I had to take them with food, and absolutely no alcohol , I explained that wasn’t an issue as I had Motorhead playing in my head and drink was the last thing I wanted, I wandered down to get something to eat, and the bar was in full swing, they were having a great time, it was something I was going to have to avoid.

I seem to remember I had some kind of stew; it was nice but I really wasn’t hungry after the boat trip and my head, but I did eat and then went to bed, and slept the sleep of the dead! I got up the next up the next morning, and still felt as rough as a badgers arse, so I showered and headed down for breakfast so that I could take my medication, the receptionist who had took my prescription from me said I still looked as though I had been on the drink, I explained I most certainly hadn’t been, she said she knew because she could see the bar from her desk and although the lads had been loud they hadn’t been naughty, the dreaded European breakfast and not a full English (BOO) and medication taken I headed out for some fresh air and a little walk, I was still walking as though I was walking on the deck of the ferry (badly) but I found a little florist and bought the receptionist a small bunch (of bloody expensive) flowers as a thank you, once the troops were gathered we headed to the venue.

We had lost one of the team due to a broken ankle on the ferry, our merry band started to shrink, to be honest there was only three of us going to see any music the rest were heading into the town simply for a piss up! Thursday was usually a slow day band wise and this year we decided we weren’t going to go any of the smaller venues as we usually ended up walking for miles to see shite! We got to the venue just as the Cab Calloway Revue was just getting started in the foyer , I manged 30 minutes and I did enjoy it my head was battered I admitted defeat and bought some ear plugs, as I arrived back to the venue as Ray Charles was on and although I wouldn’t say I was a fan I did enjoy his set (what I saw of it, by this time I needed food for my medication, I found a great place selling noodles and with a bottle of water I payed around 20 euros (the robbing B*****ds) the noodles were nice though! Then it was on for the main event for me which was George Benson, I’m not a huge fan of his pop stuff, but his jazz sets totally kick serious amounts of arse, my head wasn’t helping but I enjoyed the gig, after the show we bumped into a group of Dutch friends we had met in previous years and they talked us into going to see David Sanborn, I stayed for two numbers it was good but not my cup of tea, I also wanted to have some more food and more meds and then I wanted sleep!

The next morning was a beautiful day and I wandered down for Breakfast (that’s not I would call it) the band of brothers was further depleted by alcohol poisoning with only four actually making it downstairs, food eaten meds taken it was back to the same hall and I enjoyed Bradford Marsalis, again I knew of him but not his music it was short and sweet and I liked it, it helped that my head was feeling better, we wandered around and went to see the Neville brothers who again I liked a couple of tracks but they weren’t happy they kept apologising for the sound it sounded fine to me but I was infected lol. Then we got a big plate of chips more medication and then for the main event of the day which was Robben Ford who played most of his Talk to your daughter album, the gig was great (the best of the whole weekend for me) and we got to chat to him afterwards and he told me some great stuff about Kiss as he played on one track on the Creatures of the Night album ( I was wearing a Kiss t shirt so felt he had to share) we missed Miles Davis due to having the chat to be honest I didn’t really care ( my brother still hates it when I told him I wasn’t bothered I missed him) we wandered back to the hotel and jumped into another venue and caught some the Courtney Pine Quartet, which was clever but definitely not my cup of tea!

Saturday arrived and so did the rain, the meds were working but they were quite strong so I was left feeling a little bit nauseous, back to the same venue and we arrived just as the Andy Summers band set up and they were good, a lot of people don’t realise how good he is, I’m not saying he’s a rock god but listen to some of his phrasings and you simply know how good he is! We wandered around the venue and sat in for a couple of songs by Al Jarreau, again it was nice but that was all, the band were superb, the rest of the day was what I had come to see firstly the Jon Mclauglin Trio, who I had seen at the playhouse in Newcastle a couple of weeks before, it was jazz it was awesome, it was all over my head but I loved it! Next up was Lee Ritenour who I had a couple of his albums and it was almost like a rock gig the venue was filling up nicely, the set was way too short but it was light and enjoyable, time for food and this time it was a bloody massive hot dog and then my meds, I loved every time I walked up to a bar the look on the staffs faces when I ordered a bottle of water.

Then came the biggest disappointment of the whole weekend, the one person I had actually wanted to see, The Jan Ackerman Big Band, I loved this man I always thought his playing was sublime, this was the worst gig in my life the playing was lazy, he didn’t want to be there, he was arguing with the crowd and he buggered off after an hour no encore, even his band were looking at each going WTF! Disappointed I decided against about hanging around and I headed back for more meds and some sleep. As I arrived back to the hotel the bar was once again full and raucous, bed was the right thing to do!

Sunday arrived and my ear and head were getting there I was still staggering a little bit with my balance still affected, but I was 90% better, no more painkillers just the antibiotics, I had had enough of the European breakfast and I headed off to the McDonalds that was across the road, where there a were few wounded rugby players, but they weren’t going down without a fight, some grease was what the wanted, surely that would help them, the ferry back was at 22.00 hours so we hadn’t really chose any acts that we wanted to see but discovered that Pat Metheny was playing in the afternoon with Herbie Hancock playing a lot of material I didn’t know but I enjoyed it, they had fun we had fun everybody won, early evening finish for us we went back to the hotel had some food, packed up and paid our bill, the receptionist thanked me for the flowers I thanked her for the help and explained that I was a lot better because of the meds, the bus arrived and we sat waiting for the rugby players when they arrived there was only nine of them (oh dear) we got on the ferry they disappeared to sleep off the drink, I had my first drink of the weekend, my meds were finished, the trip back to the Tyne was smooth sailing and I slept like a log (no I didn’t wake up in the fire place……that’s meant to be a joke) I jumped on the metro to Newcastle got a bus home I was in the house a little after 09.00. I had a full English for breakfast and then went up to the DR’s (the good old days) to have my ear looked at I was given some more meds that I had to take for the next seven days.

It wasn’t the rowdiest time I spent at this festival but it was the last time that I attended, Later in the year I met the wife and life changed ever so slightly I always intended to go back But both of my friends succumbed to cancer a few years down the line, two healthiest people I ever knew, it just goes to show you, that nobody ever knows, so no it wasn’t a metal weekend, it was all Jazz but it was fun and although I was in the trenches for the first part of the weekend by the end of it I had a great time with some great people, until the next time ……………………Toodles!