Wow, after
a long night’s sleep, which is unusual for me, I had a head full of dreams and just a few regrets, I awoke later than I normally
would and for once I haven’t felt the need to play music, I’m not down I just have
a head full of thoughts regarding my dream, which was vivid and strong,
strangely I seem to remember most of it.
It
primarily deals with people I no longer see, people from school, friends that
were and the odd person who wasn’t a friend, I wish I had wrote notes as its
fading like the tide as it pulls away from the shore, yes it involves that
person from the “Girls” blog and there is something tantamount to regret
residing along with that memory, maybe if I could/would/had said sorry the memory
could fade, it was and still is the biggest regret of my life!
I wasn’t a
bad kid, slightly hyperactive at times, basically I wanted people to like me, the
desertion of my father bit harder than I realised and after a course of cognitive
behaviour therapy later on in life, of which I had for other issues being
discussed, my father was spoken of by the therapist and I was gently nudged to
understand that I did have issues at that point that have largely (even now)
gone unresolved, I have had no contact with my father since Christmas eve ( I have
mentioned it in previous blogs) 1973, again I just got (typical male behaviour)
on with it, or so I thought I did, and I don’t blame him for any of my woes,
but someone to teach me how to use the tiller in my boat of life might just have
made it a better sailing experience for me and all the people in my sphere of
friendship.
I recently
found out that he died in 1990, not a lot I can do to resolve the relationship,
I wasn’t shocked or saddened, I barely remember him, I didn’t hate him then I don’t
hate him now, I simply don’t understand how you can walk out and have no
further contact with “family” actually I can, again as I have said previously
being in this family is like being a member of the CIA, too many secrets and
not enough leaks, with only one member of the family I could ask these days
left alive, maybe my brother might have insights but I don’t want open that
particular can of worms, I doubt I am going to resolve any of this anytime
soon, especially as they fucked me off over thirty years ago when all of the
cast members were alive! That’s not what this blog is about although no doubt
many of the seeds of my time were unknowingly sown at that part of my life, I
do feel that many members of my family have hidden or even lied about the
events that led to this cataclysmic incident, again because family matters are
rarely discussed even now, if done with my brother it sometimes feels like we
are playing passy the parcel with an unpinned hand grenade!
The people
from school gave me a happy feeling inside, again I recognise some of my traits
were not good, not bad either I simply wanted people to like me, I didn’t
really know how to interact in situations with other family groups, I have been
told by people that some parents thought I was a little wild, and there’s me
thinking I was being adult like and well behaved, it puts your childhood into a
different perspective on how people perceived you, I’m glad I’m not in therapy
now as it would go on forever, as a youngster I was prone to temper tantrums,
thankfully I have mellowed as I got older, nowadays I simply want a quiet life,
I suppose many people might not recognise the person they went to school with,
maybe they would but hopefully a better version and not the angry young man
that I was. I can still do angry, something I don’t care for and something I always
regret afterwards, not for others but purely for me, because I know I’m better
than that or I should be.
The dream
that started this retrospective was I met the person from the “Girls” blog and
we discussed everything and I apologised for anything that I did at the time,
at that age I had a tendency to say “Fuck it” and damn the consequences, what a
silly boy I was, because obviously they are still with me all these years down
the line obviously they appear to be magnified to me as I sail along, having
said that this is the only relationship that I miss in a serious way, we were
young she treated me like a human being and I was a mixed up kid who thought that
the nice things in life didn’t last, I know that they don’t, people grow up and
move on, I miss my friends from this era and yes we speak to each other if we
bump into each other, but they move on and there is no connection, that is
something else I don’t understand, was I such a dick (don’t tell me I’m
heartbroken enough over the loss of these people in my life) I could go knock
on some doors and say sorry for whatever I may have done, they could also look
at me as though I’m some kind of lunatic and wonder what the hell I am talking
about, seeing as I haven’t done anything wrong, and they simply got on with
their lives while I haven’t!
At the age
that am, I have no understanding of how life works at all, I have bimbled
through life with no real idea about anything other than being angry,
thankfully this happens far less now as I realise, what’s the point? My brother
who was one of the most anti-social people in life has adjusted to life and
talks to millions ( a slight exaggeration I know)of people but he sees people
in the street and says I went to school with them (in different years) he asks
me all the time if I remember so and so and unfortunately I don’t remember them
at all, I have been recently diagnosed with prosopagnosia (Brad Pitt suffers
from it , I wonder if we are related?) its face blindness, maybe this has been
the root of all my issues, LOL I doubt it, but at this stage in my life I will
clutch at any straws that might resolve the issues in my poor demented head!
So, what’s
the point of this blog? I have not a bloody clue, I simply like millions of
other people wish to be happy, I want to know that I haven’t caused anybody
else any harm, I wish to know that the people who I called friends at school
have had a good and productive life, I do genuinely miss them, If by saying
sorry resolves any issues that I may have caused or simply have been oblivious about,
well I am sorry from the bottom of my heart, now I am clever enough to know
that none of these people and the person who the dream was about last night
never read this blog, in truth I know very little about the people who read the
blog other than I see where the readers originate from (however with the use of
VPN’s these days it could all be lies) sometimes I gaze into the belly button
of life, as always not the blog as was
in my head this morning, but its nice after all the years of horrible repetitive
dreams that I had in my younger days, its nice to have something with a
positive outcome, shame it will never happen in real life, as the world conveniently
slinks me in the present day, I’m not a bad person honestly, and if you did
know me when I was younger, approach me and tell me what I did wrong, I will
probably apologise profusely!
Well, that
felt good to get off my chest (I think) the world keeps turning and I will plod
on in life again thanks to everybody who has been reading the past blogs the
numbers are starting to slow down but I don’t care as I am very happy with what
we have had, stay safe, stay alive and until the next blog (definitely a
musical one) ………………Toodles!
