Tumbledown.

So, then I waited, numbers were doing alright, but once again I let crazy thoughts in and they spiralled and we all know where that leads to?

Mentally I haven’t been doing so bad, I get up I function, I get on with my sad existence, of course I have my ups and downs as does everybody, but in a blog kind of sense, when I get like this, I get logjammed, with loads of ideas but no idea on how to get them down onto paper (in a manner of speaking) everything suffers life, family, work you name it and I’m back to being a cockwomble!

My get up and go has deserted me like the tide on a long beach, it was there and now its simply gone, you never know it’s gone until its………. Gone! even work related stuff I can sit for agonisingly long periods of time, as I think what I need to write, I know what I need to do, I simply can’t make sense of the crap in my head. I’m getting back to a point that I’m hating life, is it an age thing I have no idea, is it a work thing (I so want to retire) is it a health thing, possibly, all I know I’m suffering physically and that leads us all down a number of different paths, each one dark and dangerous with each one with its own set of issues, no thanks I have enough at the moment.

Life it self appears to be gloomy, with very little chance of an uplift anytime soon, even my scribble/notes/blog has decided it doesn’t wish to lift me up, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and public transport doesn’t come this way very often, I am becoming more cynical than I have been previously, that’s not good for anyone, if I’m in the office at work I put my headphones on and my head down, I have no desire to interact with the 60 or so people who work in my office, there’s a never ending stream of people leaving, I don’t understand why it’s a good job, yes it’s a little strange with a minor dash of bullying of the junior staff and a hefty dose of politics up in the gods of the upper echelon, that I simply cannot stand, again the desire to retire rears its head, my whole body is worn out knees and hips hurting most of the time ribs about 75% of the time as I seem to be accident prone as I get older and over the last five years my ribs have taken more beatings than they have needed!

I’m hoping that writing this blog simply as a stream of consciousness it unblocks the drains so to speak, so that normal service can resume, please don’t hold your breath, it is what it is, even music has been taking a back seat, I’m playing it but not getting a lot out of it as stimuli, my negativity is simply growing like a cancer, I feel as though I am letting everybody around me down, no this isn’t a cry for help, this is not a return to the deep dark days of the past it’s a blip in the road, which unfortunately has effected the blogs that I want to write but simply cant seem to get to grips with myself to give my self a bloody good shaking!

People who I used to work with are slipping off into the darkness, there’s no sense of urgency within those friends and that is pulling at the strings of my mental health, people move on I get that, its just the sly way it seems to be happening, this is how you can become erased from life after 35 years of giving your all to help them and others, more than likely its simply my abandonment issues bubbling up all over again, I need a lottery win just to get my head unravelled!  The wife isn’t in a great place health wise and I seem to be able to do very little to help, I have no great insight, all I can do is stand on the sidelines and offer support, I am trying my very best for her she has had such a shit 12 months, the log jam will break , ideas will flow and I will return to the present day, trying to be jolly for the sake of the others around me, letting the words flow like I know they can, these blips are here more than I care for but they don’t last anywhere near as long as they have in the past.

So, there’s the prune juice drank in the vain hope the writing log jam clears my system, nothing really to see here, just me trying to be an adult and failing, just not as miserably I have done in the past, at least I seem to be able to pick myself up (a little more slowly) and dust the crap of me. So onwards I hope that you are all well, I hope you all have some goodness in your life, me personally any good wishes for me please direct to the wife as she needs them more than I do, and I hate to see her not as well as she can be, she is my rock without her I would be lost, love the ones you love they need it, they may not tell you they do but believe me they do!