Cookie Monster

This is what transpires for a blog when you have been padding around the house in the dark since silly o’clock!

I've long believed that my Blogs should not just be used for your light entertainment or amusement. Every once in a while a Blog should be written that aspires to make everybody’s life better who takes the time to read it. This is one of those Blogs. After years of struggle, I've finally figured out how to eat cookies/biscuits in bed without getting crumbs all over the place. The trick is to break the cookies/biscuits into small bite-sized pieces while still in the box or bag, then, and only then, pop the pieces into your mouth. Get it? There are no crumbs because the cookies/biscuits are never bitten, they're only chewed. Of course, there is some downside risk. Whenever you bring an entire box or bag of cookies/biscuits into bed, there is a strong likelihood that you will eat every cookie/biscuit in the box or bag. This means that your bed, while crumb free, will be filled with regret. Not to worry. In a future Blog I will explain how to handle regret. Like cookies/biscuits, it involves breaking them into bite-sized pieces.

Who says that a blog has been 6000 words long and to be full of misery not I hahaha, oh and Nils got the name game last time around, there isn’t one this time around until the next time watch the skies…………………………………………………….Toodles!

Sometimes it Snows in April

I was apprehensive about doing this blog as I has started to spiral out with life the universe and everything, but I got a grip on life and gave myself a wakeup call, this is the story as it unfolded, it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be, maybe there’s hope after all!

You all know I had done two blogs in quick succession (well I have to do some catching up after my digital absence) and they had been mainly honest reflections of the time of writing, then I reverted to type and started taking notes and refining, that’s is where the thread started to unravel (just a little).

I started to question things, things that have no consequence in the factor of my life, I had a cull on Facebook and other social media platforms, people who I didn’t really know, celebrities and the such like, I was starting to feel negativity building, I didn’t even try to stop it actually if anything I fuelled it, I can’t really put my finger on what’s gnawing at me, another CBT course is probably what’s required but you know how stubborn men can be, hell it took me over 30 years to ask for the  last one I don’t think I have that length of time left to wait for another!  

I then noticed some peeps had culled me from Facebook and it got to me, I don’t know who and it started to eat at me, I didn’t mind being culled I just didn’t know had culled me, my memory isn’t what it used to be (old age has kicked in) and then anxiety reared its head in all aspects of life, there was a wonderful invitation (that I had been doing the ground work since the invitation, it was going to be our first proper trip to Shields this year) to a party with wonderful people, anxiety started kicking me in all the soft places, I struggle in social occasions at the moment, but I had no intention of surrendering, onwards and upwards. Food became the order of the day, burying my face and fears (it didn’t work, it never does) more worry and anxiety, I bumped into peeps at work who I know and I was in a total panic, I didn’t want to stand and talk, nothing wrong with them just me being an ass, there was no reason to break and run but I wanted to, they do read the blog so they will now know why I looked like a startled deer, work isn’t doing it for me at the moment, Now here I am worrying about myself and the wife is working herself to a frazzle, granted she is not doing the hours I’m doing, but she has a medical condition that is painful (no not me) she also has to deal with the Kraken (that’s more than enough grief I can assure you) her hours are all over the place, I wouldn’t want to do what she does, and on top of that she has to come home to me, I’m surprised she hasn’t turned to drink!

When I’m in this mood I struggle to communicate, even verbalise the simplest of greetings, thankfully I was able to pull myself up by my bootstraps, life wasn’t beating me, because of all the unhealthy things I have been doing my health has been taking a kicking, if I’m honest that is probably what the source of my problems are, food etc. if I could sort this out more than likely most of my health issues would melt away like April snow! Yes, the name game is in play again this weeks should be so easy, but it’s actually true, the past two weekends Gimpsville has been coated in a smattering of the white stuff (no not cocaine) thankfully it didn’t last very long, mind you watching a gritter disappear up the road spreading salt last night sent a shiver down my spine (I’m too old for the white stuff now).

The week ground to a halt at work and I didn’t care by Friday, which isn’t me, I was looking forward to some time off, admittedly we had a trip to the other side of the country to start the upload of our dependants luxury items! to start collecting the youngest daughter’s belongings, on top of that the wife had a double shift on Friday as well as the Saturday morning and then our journey things were starting to unravel, a number of spats from the wife as she lost control of her ability to see things right in front of her it was time for kid gloves and for once it wasn’t about me, micromanagement seemed to be the order of the day, finally off to bed on the Friday night, only for the wife to sleep in on the Saturday it wasn’t an ideal start I just had to help her focus, I then spent the day refining what I already had written down, and hoovering the house as the dog is moulting he should be as bald as me, but damn he’s not, then the wife was on her way home, she suggested something from the chip shop as a quick meal before heading off to the other side of the world, and then it happened the wife had a total spazz fit in the car looking for something that she couldn’t see right in front of her, once calmed down and safely home, she then informed me that the kraken was coming with us on our delicious little jaunt (FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK) this was going to turn into the journey from hell and the outward journey was just that, I was praying that wife would reach sufficient speed so I could throw myself under a passing truck (damn child locks) they argue over things that are meaningless, it’s like tip toeing through a minefield, I had the headache from hell before we started, this was like a ferret trying to get out of my skull only to realise the Kraken was sat there in front of me and for the ferret to turn around and dig back into my skull from another direction.

We arrived safely and it was great to see our youngest waiting for us, we soon got all of the required materials collected, I thought it was hilarious that there was an empty bottle of Kraken on the daughter’s window, oh I chuckled! but then there was a small shopping trip thrown in for good measure, even the wife was fading, but we carried on and thankfully it wasn’t to last for too long although I did get a new journal book for taking notes for future blogs, I even had a jolly jape with the wife we had gone in the Krakens car (same model different colour to ours) I didn’t say anything as the wife tried to open it with our car keys (tee hee it’s the little things) my head was down to a dull roar as we headed home thankfully it was a quiet return journey. One last argument (they could both argue in an empty room but put them together it’s a major pain in the ass! Life’s too short people) at the Kraken’s cave and as we pulled off the drive to head home, I asked if we were going to the party and the wife admitted defeat, she couldn’t do it she needed to rest her weary bones, food was the order of the day and as we pulled into our local Chinese I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy it, even before we ordered it, once home and ensconced on the settee we scoffed the food, apologies sent to our friends we both fed our faces and neither of us enjoyed it, a ridiculously early time (even for me) to climb the wooden hill and an even earlier start that we made (ooh surprise I was in charge this time), the wife was corralled and pointed in the right direction and off to work at the right time.

Me well now I’m left to my own devices (yup I know I have to blog) so after I have hoovered because of the mutt I started in on this, with the intention to make a happier blog than my notes suggested! Chores complete I started polishing as I check the final draft I am tucking into Lemon Drizzle cake and cream (YUM YUM) and for once not because I’m depressed but because I do deserve a treat, good boys should be rewarded and not punished and I have been very good this week! I’m seriously disappointed at missing the party and all of the guests last night, I had worked so hard to be in the right frame of mind to be with people, when I say that, it’s not because I feel that I’m special just that people have made the effort to invite us, I don’t want people saying there’s misery in the corner, I have to admit though I will never do karaoke (which is a shame as I love to sing but unfortunately I sounded like a bag of cat’s been thrown from a high rise builder into a mincer ……...so yes still better than Axl Rose!) I will have a look at the pictures and smile knowing I have good friends, and yes I do know it.

So there you go there’s the blog not the putrid bag of pus I was expecting, I feel better today (was that the sleep) and I certainly feel better after finishing this maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel and that’s it’s not an oncoming train, numbers have been through the roof the last few blogs so maybe I must just be doing something right for a change, if I ever figure it out it will spoil it! A quick mention to Mr Death could he please stop taking people who are meant to entertain us, take some of those horrible politicians please, since Prince passed away everybody has been posting their fave tracks and there has been some fab music posted, bringing a smile to even my miserable face, that’s what’s life is supposed to be about happiness, I know I get it until the next time ……………. Toodles!

Ripples

Sometimes I have conversations with people who are not there. Not out loud conversations. No Thorazine is required just yet, thank you very much. But I definitely catch myself having spirited debates and heated arguments with folks who exist only in my head. Which doesn't stop them from speaking forcefully, and, at times, eloquently on their own behalf. On occasion they are people I know. Other times they are purely fictional creations, brought into existence to question my thinking, my actions, or just piss me off. (Because there's not enough real people pissing me off, I've have got to make some extra up.) Anyway, the reason I thought this was worth discussing is that I'm fascinated by what I like to call "the bifurcated self." Consciousness that has split itself in two in order to create its own suffering. (Because there's not enough real suffering going on, we need to make more.) But I've recently become more fascinated by the idea that there is no self at all. That the solution to bifurcation is not reuniting warring selves, it's dropping the entire concept of self. The memories, emotions, thoughts and attitudes that combine to create the self are finally recognized as nothing more than ripples on the surface of a pond. And the truth of what we are, collectively and individually, is the pond itself. That which silently embraces the endless dance of form. Deep. Clear. Still. Reflecting the infinite and eternal, while receiving with equanimity both the beauty and the ugliness that falls into it - even the critical inner voice which is talking to me right now. Excuse me while I respond.

 "Shut up, I am too a pond!"

What did you expect something profound …….hell no, until next time Toodles!

The Web

As some of you might know, I have long avoided having anything more than a simple social media presence. I am completely ignorant of all things Myspace, Bebo, Snapchat, and whatever other cyber forum the teenage cognoscenti has recently anointed. I know the Hash tag sign is a crucial element to communicating via Twitter, but have never personally tried it. More importantly, I don't feel like I'm missing anything. My life doesn't feel lesser for it. When I began these blogs all those years ago, I decided that they were a perfectly adequate way of communicating my personal thoughts on a large scale. Sure, they're a one-way communication, but I actually prefer that. My thinking was, and still is, that this world of ours already sends too many messages. Or perhaps consciousness, by its very nature, acquiesces to being barraged. Either way, my self-preservation seemed to demand digital inaccessibility. Or, to put it more simply, the only hater I can tolerate in my head is already in my head.

That’s not 100% right, let’s be honest I’m a luddite, I still prefer my food cooked on a cooker and not in a microwave, I still prefer a house phone to a mobile one, I prefer vinyl to a CD. I suppose this makes me a dinosaur a thing as a teenager me and my friends used to laugh at, do you want a hand with that cassette?  or whatever was the techno wizardry of the day, it would appear that life moves on but we as people do not (always).

I keep trying to pull myself up by my boot straps but it would appear that I continue to fall at the first hurdle no matter how hard I try, little things continue to trip me up, I don’t even have the common sense to go around and make a detour, I feel that in my life I’m either a shrinking violet (yes that’s right) or a bitter little man, both of which I don’t particularly care much for, I do keep trying to be a better person, but how many more times will I let my fingers continue to be beaten about the knuckles before I lose my grip, my nature is that I’m not jealous of anything what you may have in your life I wish you well with it, you have worked damn hard for what you have, but it seems at every turn things just go wrong, if I fell into a barrel of nipples I can guarantee I would come out sucking a thumb and probably won’t have been mine! Go figure, I’m not a jealous person but I work damn hard just to pay off my debts and my taxes, the junkies and scum have a better social life than us, mind you I always seem to sabotage myself on that front as well, well ok the wife helps from time to time (there’s that one rule for you and another for me) this is starting to sound like a rant but it’s not I’m not (that much of ) a thick person, but I just never seem to take the correct option, you know for a fact if this was the matrix I would have taken the wrong pill!

Again I’m retreating from the sunlight that gives life and shrinking into the dark that helps in the growth of self-doubt and all the other things that don’t help, I know that this is yet another temporary setback I have no intention of giving in I just need to know how to marshal my troops just a little more efficiently, that’s down to me and I will keep on plodding on, hopefully a little less darkness and a sprinkle of sunshine, the old cunning plans need to be thrown out and new ones started, so today I shall try and banish the clouds and step into the light, the rain has gone for the time being (mind you I do love the rain) so there’s the blog or should I say the blimp in the road not one of the best but certainly not the worst, the name game is back in play (this one should be so easy even for Nils) I’m already working on the next (hopefully happier) blog so keep spreading the disease (because the numbers have been wonderfully consistent) and I will invade your minds again soon, but until then Toodles!

Naked

Nobody has to worry I have no intention of "getting" naked, well not in the sense that you lot think, I don't think I could bare my soul anymore especially after the last post! I don't like getting photographed at the best of time never mind naked, before I get naked I always check to see what the location of the Japanese whaling fleet is just in case you know! so many of you keep asking why I write the way I do, honestly I can only write truthfully so it would appear I have no issues of being naked in front of you the reader........go figure!

One or two of you thought that the last post was a tad dark/bleak even, sorry but that's where I was at, at the time of the last post, again simply trying to be honest , if I try and tell it in any other way I spin out into darkness there will be times when I'm down (and I do genuinely hope that's not very often) I will write something dark, sorry but life is not all sweetness and light, I personally put the last blog up in my top three, not a patch on some of the Myspace blogs but of the last 200 and something definitely top three.

Numbers went straight through the roof triple digits within the first 24 hours but then if fell from grace quicker than Donald Trump at a women's convention, if it was a film it would be the new Batman & Superman  flies straight out the gate for the first week box office takings, the second week well that's another thing altogether, don't get me wrong I was more than happy with the numbers it just came as a shock I thought it might have been a slow burner, hey its still early days it could still go some yet, the blog is written for me , my pleasure, my mood nothing else if you are unhappy about reading it,  please move on because no matter what happens whether you read it or you don't, the world will keep spinning!

I'm keeping this one off the cuff as well, hopefully a little bit more bubbly, no other reason than today the world wasn't as shit as it had been, I'm not saying its been perfect, but it hasn't been all crap either, little things keep getting me and I never seem to have a plan B, now that normally isn't me. Music has been the order of the day and what have I been spinning I hear some of the voices out there in the dark shouting back at me, in no particular order Whitesnake just about everything just not that album, Cheap Tricks new one (woowzer)  Rick Springfield,, throw in some Steve Hackett and loads of obscure 80's stuff (Baby Tuckoo anyone!) yes I know sometimes (and I mean sometimes) my musical taste can be a tad suspect but I really don't give a rats ass.

Cunning plans and stunts might have to take a back seat as we both have very little spare time to ourselves what with work commitments, add to the mix a close friend of the wife's passing unexpectedly the world keeps throwing us curveballs, we have some plates spinning, we are hoping to do something to help celebrate his life, what we don't know yet, to fund it will probably mean the anniversary fund will take a pounding in some way, we were planning to have a couple of days away somewhere nice, at this rate she might get a nice meal.............ok a drive through at the local KFC, the cloth can only cover so much, I will admit to be sick of being skint at least I have a roof over my head ......for the moment (who ordered this tent?).

There you go a smallish blog a trickle before the flood  that will be coming over the next few weeks thank you for all of the nice comments (and the bad ones as well, I can't improve if I'm not told what's wrong with it)I intend to take this farce we call life on one day at a time and if I can help anybody as I go along well that's what I will do, no name game today (although I suspect some of you might still have a go lol) remember we are all alone in this universe any helping hands you can give to your fellow survivors will always be gracefully accepted for the love that is being offered, I might be down for the next blog but its my intention to keep fighting every single step of the way, keep spreading the disease and until the next time..........Toodles!

Get the funk out

Well that went south really fast, so many thoughts, so many cunning plans totally derailed by a simple computer virus (first one ever) so fast that it led me to places I didn’t want to contemplate and that it led me down roads I didn’t particularly want to travel, my mind made me super paranoid, I kept thinking it was rednecks revenge, thankfully it wasn’t.

I was soon at a loss at what to do, I had antivirus software that simply seemed to actively encourage it to go even more haywire, me being the technophobe that I am I was soon looking for NSA satellites and thinking that the world would soon be nigh!  

I did all the things that I thought I should be doing running scans and the such like, but soon I was retreating into my own little world not caring about it in anyway shape or form with some great advice from lots of people who are way more knowledgeable than me (many thanks to all of my IT support) I wasn’t winning, and I admit I threw my hands up and turned my back on it, about the only thing I could go on was Farce book, but even that wasn’t appealing. So I withdrew even further into my shell not wanting to interact with anybody other than the wife (yeah I bet she was over the moon with all the attention) mind you in the time off line I did discover a new bad habit hoovering all of the house with the wife’s new battery operated Dyson…………Go figure! I suppose it could have been so much worse.

What did I do, well to be honest it would appear I did what it seems to be what I do best, I sulked because I was at a total loss this thing that I kept pouring all of my random thought’s wasn’t working the way I wanted it to! I didn’t want to go online and put any of my passwords in, just in case the world took over and made it do things I didn’t want it to do, I did play lots of music and did a bit of reading, but I wasn’t a happy camper, I was deleting emails, before I even read them, I realized I was behaving in an increasing unusual and irrational way (yes way more than I usually do) I actually sat and watched that godless thing in the corner of the living called (shock horror) the Television, yes I know I thought it was something terminal!

Out of the darkness came an unexpected night with fabulous company and it did shock me out of my system, if even for just a little while, the plastic jelly baby was robbed so we could enjoy good company good beer ……...erm no I only had two pints (I just can’t seem to hold drink at all, not as  in drunkenness just the taste, it’s so off putting at the moment) but I didn’t throw a strop and demand to go home, which is what I think the wife was expecting, but I did suffer with tinnitus for about 5 days after the night, the band were just that little bit loud(maybe I am just getting old)but as much as that lifted my soul, even on the way home and I live literally 400 yards from the damn club, my gaggle of black clouds were right behind mocking me with all of their mates, I was soon back to hating the world, I couldn’t remember what had set the funk off, I just knew that I wasn’t prepared for it. So I attempted to rebuild brick by brick, I had never imagined that something as simple as a small issue with the laptop would/could affect me, I wasn’t as helpful at work as I normally was, but the mask was always kept firmly in place, the last thing I want is people at work showing me sympathy.

Then the Farce book curse kicked in, I didn’t post anything and I got gloomier because nobody missed me, I was acting like a four-year-old I know I wasn’t acting like a five-year-old, I know this is as my five-year-old is acting so much more maturely than I am at this point! I was contemplating coming off it altogether and was travelling down a road (at high speed and no brakes) so dark because there were no streetlights and I intentionally turned off my own headlights, this was not going to end happily, on top of that I had holidays booked, but the wife was working so I had a tendency to sit in the dark with no lights or TV on or any music, even the dog thought “fuck this for a game of soldiers” I wasn’t helping myself and I knew I was heading to a place I had only skirted and I was afraid really afraid. life was full of darkness, darkness of my own making but that doesn't matter to me when I am teetering on the edge of sanity!

Then a curve ball was thrown at me, human kindness kicked in and two people were gracious enough to shine a torch and lead me back to a safer path (no I’m not naming them and they would probably not know how much they helped) it’s always the small things that help! I realized I had stopped doing all of the safety measures that I had been building, I had allowed doubt to creep in and it was hacking at what were once sound foundations, now I was a crumbling mess, picking fault with everything in my life, my daughters, my dog and yes me, more than I normally would, all I had to do was to reach out and ask, I know an awful lot of people would be there to help me, just too proud to beg my mind keeps telling me, and then the light switched on and my ass got kicked straight back to reality, I have no issues my life although not brilliant was not as shit as I kept making out, my family going through what they were and me being a selfish prick, other friends going and battling depression and me not caring enough about them, people who are sick and have to drag themselves forward every day, a million other things that make my complaints pale into insignificance.

So music once again became even more important and I made sure I just associated with songs with positive attitudes and themes! I begin my climb back to life shaking off the crap that I had allowed to creep in (so insidious) but I felt I was back learning how to do house clearance like I learned in the army just this time with a flame thrower (no I never learned how to use a flamethrower) I finally grasped the nettle and did my (mental) exercises as often as I could, then I went back to work and threw myself headlong into all the stuff I had to do, some people were genuinely happy to see me (I think it could have been wind) and then our IT guy said bring your laptop in and we will sort it out, it would appear I had done all of the right things, however there is a piece of malware doing the rounds that does all of these horrible things to computers but doesn’t show up in your settings until eight days after the initial infection, it took all of ten minutes to resolve my laptop malady, and all he did was what I had already done…………talk about feeling cretinous, yes you guessed it was me! D’oh!

Then there was no holding me back I was actually waking up and feeling dare I say it……...happy well sort of, yesterday we had the hurricane for the night and he breathed life back into me, simply being a five-year-old and being frivolous generally reducing me to tears simply because I love him so much and he cares, damn it when he sits next to me I just melt, and he is so old I mean it’s unbelievable, he is streets ahead of the rest of us dealing with the loss of his brother he puts the rest of us to shame. As soon as he was ensconced in his Stormtrooper blow up bed and tent, he doesn’t seem to want to sleep in his own bed at the moment, what the hell as long as it makes him happy! Once he was a sleep I tentatively perused all of the sites that I used to go on (I’m a news Junkie), then I decided to check the blog page (I hadn’t checked numbers for nearly six weeks) I expected to see it flat lined, it wasn’t far from it, life support was still operational but it did have somebody coming backwards and forwards and reading the odd blog, my plan was (and as you can tell still is) to do my first blog in what seemed like eons.

So here I am once more (sounds like a lyric) I have been soundly kicked and beaten (mentally that is) but thankfully I didn’t stay down I got back up off the canvas, I will admit that this has been the worst six-week period of my life, I genuinely hated myself, the biggest dose of self-loathing I have ever poured all over myself, no I have no idea what causes it, I just know I have to fight it with every fibre of my being, it very nearly won this time, I don’t like that feeling, I have no intention of losing, I love my family and I love my friends without you I couldn’t fight this war called life, so now (once again) I’m back in the saddle and the line has been drawn in the sand, I intend to come back stronger than I have been in such a long time, there has to be more to life than me feeling sorry for myself and not liking what I have (created) found!  

So the little black book shall return and writing is all of part of the process, can I just say thank you to everybody who asked one way or another to those who nodded to me in the street, who took the time to text me, or those who greet me warmly whenever I sail into port, you have no idea how much I love you all, I certainly don’t deserve you, but I certainly try my best for you all, my life is to be lived not to be wasted, I have no idea what causes these problems, I’m not writing this to elicit sympathy just trying to explain to those who do not suffer from depression what it’s like, the easy road for me is to accept defeat and ask for medication, and that is the right way for some people, I don’t think it’s the right one for me, there will be even more peaks and troughs to come hopefully not as bad as the last few weeks, but hey my depression just found a new way to come at me (clever little fucker) I just have to stand and fight so here we go onwards one more time, so expect some blogs along the road on a more regular basis than they have been of late but until then Toodles!