Farcebook Twatter and Giggle!

As we all start to feel more and more disconnected from reality, as I feel more and more alone, my phone confidently connects me to the outside world and all within the blink of an eye! as the world and its inhabitants feels more and more lost their phones calmly knows how to reconnect us all with the greater points of our lives, Farcebook, Twatter and Giggle, it helps us remember who the actor was who played Cop number three, you know the one on the left of the screen the one with limp!

My/Our phone(s) smugly recalls literally everything I/We increasingly struggle to remember, how to use the Nouns, Verbs and Adjectives that once stood proud at the front of my brain (who the hell am I kidding) ready to articulate my thoughts, oh boy do I miss those days, back in the day when I wasn't a sheep and I could think for myself! my phone taunts me with all the words I have ever written, there can only be one possible conclusion, slowly but surely I have somehow outsourced my mind my consciousness  to my phone and to make matters worse the bloody thing knows it.........and just for fun its starting to fuck with me!

Several times over the course of the week I feel it vibrate (ooer missus) in my pocket, alerting me to the fact that some vital critical information has arrived, but then when I get intrigued there's fuck all there, damn and blast it machine GRRRR! No email no Farcebook notification, was the buzz in my brain? was the tingle in my pants something else? (I doubt it)  no, I know its just my phone doing what it does best, its fucking with me, and its not just mine its all of them!

They are working together in cahoots or however you wish to word it, systematically robbing us of our own independent intelligence, (at what point time did duck faces become popular? oh I know the arrival of the mobile phone camera) our humanity and we fawn over these pieces of technology and make ourselves more reliant and subservient (stupid) they have every intention of taking over , its just a matter of time that the latest IPhone or whatever popular brand will be fitted with an opposable thumb, oh yeah I can see it now, they are smart (phones) world domination starts right here right now!

I have to call the world and start to tell people that the end  is nigh.........oh great I have no bars! dear god what is happening.........................don't worry I can feel the medication kicking in drooooool.

This was written in happier times last year and I kept it in the vain hope I might find a place to post it, I'm in a good place (mentally) at the moment so I thought I would have a tinker, although it is true at what point in time did Banana, Doors, Farcebook, Twatter and Giggle ( not the real corporate names but I really don't wish to be sued for having an opinion I'm sure that you are all bright enough to work out who I mean) we are driven by technology as I sit here typing this the wife is the only one not using technology (for a change) there's usually three different bits of kit being used for three different purposes, maybe that's why the family life is so disconnected, damn here's me trying to be witty (me with my reputation) life used to be so much simpler (just like me) LOL!

The last blog went through the roof triple digits within forty eight hours, all I can say is wow and thank you, you made a depressed person so damn happy over those days, and although its still going strong I feel the need to get this one out, just to keep my feet on the ground, the weekend has been so busy and probably another blog to keep you all in the loop about what has been going on in my life, the house is going to be just that little bit more quiet come tomorrow but that will be the next blog so watch this space. again thank you for all of the love, likes, shares or whatever it you lot did to spread the disease until then watch the skies................Toodles!

Sometimes i feel so low

Sorry boys and girls but I have to get technical with you as I have had a bit of a week with one or two of you getting a bit antsy, some of you wondering why I have down shifts in mood and why the "cheer up it might never happen" doesn't work, even the wife who is usually my rock made the stunning comment "you are the only misery in this house" give the girl a coconut! and if she doesn't get it people like me who are doing our best to trudge through life are well and truly screwed!

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being People with depressed mood can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, ashamed or restless. They may lose interest in activities that were once pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions, and may contemplate, attempt or commit suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, aches, pains, digestive problems or reduced energy may also be present. A depressed mood is a feature of some psychiatric syndromes such as major depressive disorder.

That's the technical description and with the exception of being suicidal, I have at some point had or still do have all of those symptoms, I don't control them they control me, I'm better now than I have been in the last 33 years, yes I got some help but in some ways it opened up a bigger can of worms, I do know I have suffered manic depression for the last five years, what triggered it off I have no idea, but trust me on bad days I can understand why people get suicidal, my shrink that I saw last year says that I have good defense mechanism, as my main out look on life is as long as I wake up happy! but what happens if I ever wake up unhappy.

The fact that I have set myself impossibly high standards for myself, yet not for others seems to be the starting point, but isn't it silly that you don't really notice something until a qualified person (in this case my shrink) points it out, certain people had pointed this out to me before, but as always I chose to ignore them. My PTSD didn't help matters and although I seem to have a much better grip on it these days (you are never really cured) was this the rock that started my cheese to slide of my cracker.

I am a better person today than I was a year ago, I am more balanced than I have ever been in the last 33 years of my life (go figure) I work with a great bunch of people (who although they don't realise it help me immeasurably) I have some fantastic friends and although I find it hard to express my self I do indeed love every single one of you, but saying cheer up misery doesn't cut the mustard I'm afraid. do you not think if I could I would.

The emails I received this week were from long time readers of the blog and who I soon realised that English is not their first language so the nuances of my written attempt at English may be slightly off kilter, but we discussed and soon resolved our issues, a bad day yesterday with my blood pressure didn't help, neither did me getting up early to cook breakfast for everybody as they snoozed away the morning, Then a stroppy wife looking for a pair of shoes that seem to have disappeared sent the wife into the stratosphere resulting in said misery comment and now I sit alone in the festering at the comment unhappy and quite angry. I saw a poster this week and it said "depression is like living with a body that wants to live but your brain just wants to die" that is so true and until you experience it please don't make little comments that don't help at all.

Sorry if this sounds like I am on my high horse I'm not, it doesn't take much for me to slide down in a deep dark hole, although I do try to give an outwardly impression of happiness, my eyes I know are telling different stories, I know I'm sinking into  a black mood that will be difficult to shake, but I won't be beaten, I intend to fight it very step of the way, I want to get back to the fun loving person I used to be (yeah I know I don't recognise the description either) I don't quit, I want to be a better person for my wife for my family for my friends and for the people who I work with, don't say I don't have a game plan because I do, its just damn hard getting out of this sludge, that's me done  until the next time, keep spreading the disease and watch the skies............incoming until then Toodles!

Salutations from the Ghetto nation

Holidays are starting to be a necessary evil, I have no idea what to do, this probably stems from the fact that you need money to do anything these days, and as always my financial situation looks like somebody has blasted it to death (some blame the wife but I like to sleep at night, cough splutter coming dear) with a double barrelled shotgun, it was time to do some fancy footwork, borrow some more and pay less. Go figure! Hopefully in five years’ time I could be debt free hahaha yeah right, have you met the wife?

So fancy footwork done, it was just a case of watching the dots join up and make sure I didn’t do the same thing all over again, this gave us some breathing space and a little ready cash (woo hoo), I awoke on the Monday of my holiday (a bank holiday so obviously we were going out on the lash……erm no) not having a clue what to do, to be honest I felt run down and tired, thankfully the wife had tasks to do with the Kraken, me I lay round like a loppy dog, actually that’s not quite true a loppy dog had more energy.

Tuesday was slightly better and I was up with the larks (pilarks) as the wife was off to do something she had never done before, picking up a new car that she had signed her life away (let’s not go into the details, she’s happy and I’m a long time dead) after we calmed her down enough to get her into the car, we headed off to the posh part of our ride home and I treated her to breakfast (damn I spoil this girl) and generally we pottered on for the rest of the day the list of jobs wasn’t shrinking but I wasn’t bothered either. Wednesday was more of the same except that I suddenly remembered that Warrior Soul and their circus were coming to Gimpsville, how had I forgotten that one, some cunning plans had been put into place when the dates were announced but I wasn’t holding my breath, my mood swings at the best usually scuppered any chance of being motivated to going, even though the venue is only two hundred yards from my front door!

Communications were established with the guilty parties using various means of communication, the wife nearly threw a Pigeon into the air for the professor, before it was confirmed that he was attending, lots of conversations with peeps who although I do speak to from time to time were totally not expected some were coming weren’t, but it did actually make me a bit of a happy camper (me with my reputation) giddy with excitement I decided to refresh my memory of the bands back catalogue, I liked the debut album but drifted away after the second and third, I had read a couple of interviews and he came across as a dick, I have enough real ones I don’t need any extra thank you.

I soon discovered that I hadn’t been wrong I still “like” the first one and well I thought the next two were simply “ok” but enjoyable enough to want to tag along and it had been announced that it was free entry, my kind of price tag! Directions or at least a post code to get to a friendly car park were dispatched, and Thursday ran away from us it was soon time to go and meet up with people who by their own admission had never been to Gimpsville (WTF)! This was about to get very interesting, oh dear! We soon made contact and discovered these poor souls walking amongst the walking dead and we got them to the sanctuary of our local Spoons, Pints acquired and a table found we soon got down to the serious side of the night catching up, gossip and laughter was the order of the night as well as some very off colour humour (if it’s not sick it’s not funny) we had discovered the main act wasn’t going on until ten(ish) so we took our time, before we headed out into the evening heading towards the club that does indeed rock.

There was a good news bad news scenario awaiting for us, the support act were about to go on (bugger) but I was met with the sight of Big G as I came across the threshold, Me and Big G go back a long way and I was shocked that this was indeed his first visit to the delta in nearly 20 years, we spent a number of years trying to drink Gimpsville dry, I think Big G came close a few times, so many good times and only a few (and I mean a few) bad times mixed in, a lot of these memories flooded back, the support act plodded on as we tried to have a conversation (do they not know who we are) nothing deep and meaningful just chit chat, I soon realised that Big G is probably the person I miss most from my past, but times move on and we float in different circles close enough to wave from a distance, I appreciate those times more and more, maybe there’s a blog or ten in there (no way Jose) at least Big G has kept in touch and makes no promises, it’s just damn good to see him whenever we do.

The support band indeed did plod on, they were ok but I  found myself picking faults (old habits die hard) WTF do I know I can’t play I can’t sing………………..ok let’s quit there hahaha! Another pint and thankfully it ended, maybe under different circumstances, they weren’t the worst, neither were they the best, just a complication that we could have done avoided. Kory Clarke flounced in half way through their set and you could see he looked a tad “unsteady” this could be a bit interesting, His girlfriend/manager was following him around with a bag (his medical supplies maybe ……..actually it turned out no) and as he launched himself onto the stage (and I mean launched) she set about sorting out the merchandise on a trestle table (damn I take a bigger bag to work) three songs was all it took for me and the wife to look at each other and silently think “Food” we said our goodbyes and I came away a happy camper realising that I do indeed have friends in my life ( I do know this it’s just sometimes I have a hard time equating this fact) we headed up the road and got a pizza that was far too big for us (and yes I ate the most of it) and boy did I suffer the next day, a gut full of cheese is not how I intend to pass away, at least I was able to make that decision.

The rest of the holiday floated by, we did little things, ticking small tasks off our checklist, we did normal things and I had a great time with the wife, not sure if she did ( I christened the car, let’s just say it didn’t have the new car smell for long lol) she didn’t whinge at me so I’m taking it as a success, as a holiday, it wasn’t anything exciting but as it happens it helped, I just have to realise that it did, back to the asylum tomorrow and I really don’t want to do that (the return of the boo hoo club)  but needs must for potentially another five years (oh a blog name maybe another time).

The last blog seems to have taken people by surprise maybe this one will as well, seeing as how it quickly it has arrived, nobody and I mean nobody attempted the name game, what did I did I do, frighten you all, or was it just that hard? Well this one isn’t so hard considering what its subject matter is, tomorrow might not be the day I’m expecting, 412 emails sat waiting for me (sorry I switched my phone on to see the damage I wish I hadn’t now) but at least I’m back into blog mode, what can possibly go wrong now, damn did I really just type that, anyway watch the skies a new blog will be along soon as I have ten to catch up on, until then Toodles!  

Back on holiday

Let’s just skip past the obvious,  I know I have been missing in action, life sort of caught up and beat us all up quite literally and I have been trying to shore up all of our defences, with varying degrees of success, work has just been piling on the agony and I gave up, this last week has been hell and yes I could have quite easily just posted any one of the historical blogs I have prepared, however I felt that I would have been selling you the discerning reader short and if that’s one thing I won’t do is sell the blog…………………………………..Short!

What’s going on well to be honest it’s very personal, and if I’m being honest (something which I do try to  be) I have been out on the perimeter, but it affects me and mine, and well let’s just say a grudge is for life not just for Christmas! No I’m still not going to tell you, so don’t go asking, if you are close to home you might have heard, if not well don’t worry about it, worse things happen at sea or so I’m told. Life has been decidedly shit, more so than usual and to be honest all I could do is hang on for life, I’m too old for all this shit, we finally got a lifeline by visiting the lovely people in Shields (Tee Hee Club ahoy, well sort of) a short sharp shock, but necessary as we had been invited to a wedding reception the following week and I was unsure if I was suitable for adult company(it turns out I was, I did just fine hahaha) the youngest came as well as she needed some South Shields style lovee feely and G was on top form, (as usual) speaking Swahili and gibberish all rolled into one, the youngest enjoyed it and so did I, so much so that I only had one pint (WTF) but refreshed we headed back up the hill to Gimpsville, bring on the coming celebrations.

At some point I had to go back and see my diabetes nurse who didn’t give me any good news, more tablets but at least I had lost weight, but circulation problems are now joining my ever increasing list of issues, my mental health (nearly a Quiet Riot album going on!) was discussed and I told her I knew I was depressed (yes I still am but I ain’t going down without a fight) but I was coping there was no white flag in my hand, and if I did need assistance this fat boy will be the first to ask for it, been there and done that, I have no reason to go down that road again. New tricks to help with old problems, and a best forward type of situation, some people still don’t get it (including those close to home, you can’t just wave a magic wand, I wish I could …………….but I would probably be arrested LOL) and a small fractious fire fight and a smattering of gun boat diplomacy got us both back on the right track, hey ho that’s life or so I’m told!

Work dragged and music was played at every conceivable moment, I had been left to crack on with various projects so music was the first order of the day (every day), it helped keep me balanced and not to freak out and go on a (imaginary) killing spree, thankfully most people were not annoying maybe I was just giving off a vibe, bus seat bingo helped a bit, however I soon lost interest when nobody seemed to mind, but my mind couldn’t/wouldn’t focus on life the universe or anything else. The day arrived for the wedding reception and although the weather was supposed to be cack, it stayed dry all day, right up until we stepped into the venue, then it rained like some biblical disaster and we nearly got stranded, not until we got a police lady out of her nice dry car in the deluge, oh it’s the simple things that cheer us up! we managed some back tracking but we finally got back on track (only just) to get home, that fellow Noah was nice in giving us directions, the do was fab, again seeing familiar faces helps although Thunderbird One was in full stream we very nearly had to break out the Hannibal Lector style mask, how his lovely wife copes I have no idea, well I do but I bet it involves copious amounts of Chloroform.

Back to work for the dreaded seven days of hell, by the end I was fragged and if I’m truthful I didn’t care, I nearly came to blows with an ignorant member of the public and my co-conspirator for the day decided it was best if he did front of house and I did back of house, I didn’t disagree, The wife picked me up and sped me home on the back roads so I could howl like a loon out of the car window like a blood hound, the bank holiday came and went, and as usual I vegetated, no wonder my life is crap at the moment, at the first sign of inactivity I surrender quicker than the Italians in a world war (please do not lecture me on Italian history, I know enough I’m just using it as a comedic reference point…………shesh some people get so touchy and notice I never mentioned the R word hahaha go figure) Today we had a new car and just a small amount of drama and Kraken fuelled shenanigans………incoming I think, mostly because the wife asked me what I wanted to do……………………and I haven’t got a clue, can I go and hide in the house? It would seem that might not be an option, but I’m working on it.

Music is still being played, thankfully, no small mercies without it, lots of cunning plans hopefully that will come to fruition (don’t hold your breath) over the holiday, the name game is still in play, although I suspect that anybody getting it will have googled the answer, as it is from an obscure album and distinctly not rock……………………well, in a way hahaha, so let’s have a few more honest guesses. Tomorrow well I intend to get up and take the fight to life, not sure if I’m going to win I need a win, something that will chase the black dog away from my life,  I carry a stick at all times just sometimes the black dog gets it and beats me with it. The youngest returns home tomorrow after her summer sojourn to her holiday home with the Kraken readying herself to go off to university and that leave us with very little in common too cling together, other than our hopes and aspirations.

So there you go a new blog not quite the blog I had planned (it never seems to be these days), I need to ensure that I have time to write and not let stuff sit and fester, I will let this one flow for a few days then try and put something historical out there as a blog about my holiday might just be a tad racy for the sedentary audience that follows this blog, keep the faith, keep spreading the disease, best foot forward every day,  I know life will get me at some point but not today and hopefully not tomorrow either, watch the skies for incoming until then …………..Toodles!