Wednesday 20 August 2014

Hang on in there

Like all well laid plans, mine for the holidays turned to rat shit pretty much straight away, a long weekend before the start of the holiday wasn't the best start, but I thought I would soldier on, my therapy had finished earlier in the week and I was feeling so damn good, yes you all know I was about to crash and burn!

The weekend dragged and I had a cunning exit strategy, which as always involved the wife,  that was the beginning of the end, the wife being on a different time line as to the rest of the world I was soon spiralling out on control like the Red Baron in a dog fight, I just wanted to get the hell out of dodge and It wasn't happening quickly enough for me! the day soon dissolved  into misery (not for me but for others and I felt sorry for them) the wife did a good deed and I was left alone with the youngest, which was a good thing and was  nice to have some quality (hahahahaha)father /daughter time.....so to speak!

 Monday wasn't going to be the best and as it happens it wasn't, the world and a dog conspired against us and I barely saw the wife, I didn't feel as though I was on solid rock more like sinking sand, I had technology issues (as well as just a little mental anguish) I wanted resolving, but with me being a luddite I needed my IT department at my side (yes that's right my wife), Monday soon disappeared and we decided to do it after an early start for Tuesday!

Tuesday I was up with the larks and I was off to the quacks for my liver result, I wasn't in the best frame of mood but I was trying I even decided to go by myself, big mistake my appointment was twenty minutes late, and when I did get in, I felt as though I was wasting the good Dr's time as he showed zero interest, trying to remain calm and still feel good I headed home knowing that technology was the order of the day, it was then that the world went tilt and I began feeling sorry for myself (that's why I needed the wife) now to be honest it should have been as simple as 1,2,3! but it wasn't, the wife had to put up with mood swings, temper tantrums and Mr Unhappy all at the same time, I wasn't the best and I admit to sitting staring at the four walls not wanting to do anything or be involved at one point the lap top was going to go in the bin and that was going to be the end of me online.

Thankfully the wife saved the day and late at night she salvaged not only my computer but my sanity with it, I chilled just a little before we headed up the wooden hill once to strap me into that infernal machine that helps breath on a night time, I would still like to know how and why I pull it off my face every night? this morning arrived and it was sunny, cunning plans and a little mischief means I can ignore the chest pains that the Dr was so dismissive of, I have a book to finish today and to hopefully get published tomorrow, me stressed already hell no, well maybe just a little ok so lots but you know me I will just through another temper tantrum and be stroppy for the rest of the day.......ho hum!

As for the rest of my holiday well to be honest it doesn't feel like a holiday it just feels like I'm sat here waiting to crack on and go back to work (fingers crossed for that lottery win) but in reality life used to be so much worse so I think I will hang on in there as the title suggests and try and live a little,  I know I have kept a very low profile of late well blame me and my issues hopefully soon I will be putting my best foot forward and trying to crack on...until then Toodles!
 

Tuesday 12 August 2014

Darker Days

Today in reality didn't even stand a cat in hells chance, Robin Williams died today and as always the world decided to have it's say, thankfully most of the comments were of the positive kind, as positive as you can when somebody suffering from depression takes their own life. It's never easy for the family but everyone still doesn't give a fuck, as always the world keeps turning.

I'm doing a week of early shifts so my writing like my moods have been sporadic, too much going on to concentrate on one thing and work being well.......work! (cack) yesterday had been a good(ish) day and an early night meant I was like a drunk puppy when I awoke at stupid o'clock and my wife told me the news about Robin Williams, I'm not going to say I was a huge fan (I could take or leave most of his stuff) I liked what I liked and what I didn't I soon forgot about, what I did find refreshing was his honest approach to his issues, drink, drugs and depression, tomorrow is my last appointment with my therapist, she is of the opinion that she cannot do anything else for me, it's time for me to move on, has it helped? without a doubt! do I think I'm cured? fuck no!

I have been suffering from my little condition for in excess of thirty two years, thankfully my wife and family and friends have helped through some crap times and have hopefully enjoyed the few good times that has been along the road, I know I have been a pain sometimes and I know I will be again hopefully less than intended, depression is an insidious bed fellow and kicks you when you least expect it, it bullies you when you can least fight it, I know a lot of people out there are suffering, no not just me, it's not about me, take a good long hard look at the person you are closest to! they say one in four  people suffer from depression, at various times I'm in charge of 180 people at work do the math that's a lot of unhappy people, it's not all sweetness and light and it's not all self inflicted, some people have some serious problems that are not easily resolved, some inevitably take the wrong route and go down the path that can not be walked again, thankfully in all of my darkest days I have steered clear of it, please give some time to those who did.

I wanted (see I'm being selfish today) this week just to slide, I want tomorrow to come and go as quickly as possible, I want my therapy to end and I want to stand on my own two feet and see if I can ride the bike of life without my stabilisers on, no matter happens I don't intend to give up without a fight, what ever happens just remember everybody needs H.O.P.E - Hold On Pain Ends, until the next happier time.......Toodles

And if you are in the mood for some subtle Robin Williams look out for a little film called The Secret Agent, he's not credited it's a Bob Hoskins film but he steals the film for me and what and end to a film, enjoy and remember live life like you stole it, as you only get one chance, this isn't a dress rehearsal!

Saturday 2 August 2014

Random thoughts on a warm sunny day!

And again I get deviated from what I intended to do (oooh a butterfly) and the last blog randomly generated did good numbers and got some great responses so that lifted my tired spirits, I had intended to blog again the next day but with good numbers I didn't want to dilute the good will, so I went off in search of inspiration, started a number of ideas and here are more than a week later with me going D'OH!

Positivity has returned in most aspects of my life except work but with a light at the end of that particular tunnel with regards that particular problem, I will keep trying to do my best, I have a hell of a blog gestating so watch this space! for a lot of these last few days I have been travelling on a plague carrier more than normal, and with only one bout of sleepy time I have been generally been writing down tons of random thoughts, these will be randomly dispensed throughout this blog.

"I wonder if the infra red beam used to trigger taps and toilets might cause cancer?"

Therapy has been a bit of a nuisance (in a good way), I'm sure it's meant to be, but it's focusing on me in this present time, so I'm not really enjoying  that but you will discover that when the new book arrives (very soon boys and girls very soon) it's something I am putting more and more work into at the moment, soon the polishing begins then I will have to work out all over again how to publish the bloody thing!

"I might just set up a walks with broken hoop twitter account just to be controversial"

I have done this and although I have posted some good stuff I have but one person following me (thanks Mr Harrison) so go find me I know I have the potential to hit double figures so do the deed or I might go on a down wards spiral ......NOT! it's for fun and for random crap that wouldn't/couldn't make it into a blog normally.

"damn I just realised that most modern technology laughs at me!"

My mind is generally busy in totally random ways and usually I use it not to dwell on my many thousands of issues.....well maybe not thousands, just crap all  the time and I believe this is why I get bogged down in my book projects (I have about 11 on the go which truthfully if I don't pull  my finger out and concentrate will never come to fruition) what starts off in a good vibe usually gets dragged to the dark side and gets the fuck kicked out of it by my neurosis, hopefully when my therapy ends I might revisit and salvage some of the better material.

"I might write a children's book but then again I might just dye my hair blonde.....again"

My mind rarely stays in one place and sometimes I have great ideas and very rarely do I have some thing to write all of these down, normally  I could just be looking out of the plague carriers window trying to avoid/annoy the incoming passengers but something will set the juices flowing (oh look a butterfly) and I insist that I will remember long enough to get it onto paper, but normally when I do put pen to paper it has dried up and died as its been too long since it received sustenance.

"Ah just fuck off and die!"

Thankfully of late my mind has not been full of blackness just tons of shit that I really do need to sort through, put it in some form of order so that my life does not get bogged down by crap (like it normally does) interacting with some  of you peeps also helps and that's why I intend to climb back on the rocking horse and blog more, the book and treatment has been sucking me dry so to speak and always I'm concerned of muddying the waters if I put too much stuff out there so I have to find that balance all over again!

"Custard cream or Hobnob?".....................As if!

I intend to avoid getting my life in a rut and the that is what I am trying to concentrate on, as I head to wards oblivion, OK so I'm nearly fifty I realised that the last few years I have ground to a bloody halt. it hasn't helped but the only person who can deal with it is me, thankfully helpful people (you know who you are) have nudged my boat out into  the eddy's of a stronger current so that this boat can be lifted off the sand banks that I have endured off late.

"Bus seat bingo or shall I be boring today?"

I will to admit to missing my friends, not just the ones I have now, but the ones I used to have and although I wish for good times again with this little band of people I know deep down that the world has moved on, it appears we didn't need each other anymore and we moved on (did they or do  they miss me as I have missed them?), they all know where  I live but they never visited, although some would say I knew where they live but didn't do it either, what with my issues and the state police watching my every move ( I will get tons of shit for that last remark) it has never happened and this is partly as to why my little black cloud moved in and didn't pay it's fair share of the rent! I occasionally bump into people from school, peeps who I was friendly with and they re introduce themselves into my life for just a short period of time and they are more than welcome, I don't think I was that memorable or even that popular as a child (yes I did have friends but not a lot of them) and don't really want to suffer any rejection to confirm that particular statement so as always I keep a low profile, a lot of people never believe it but I am and have always been very shy!

"mmm rain"

The good weather is not helping me believe it or not I don't mind good weather but my eyes do, I always walk around like a bloody china man (no racism intended) but also  the fact that I am a fat person the heat just wipes me out, and lets be honest there's a lot of us fat people and when you get on the a plague carrier it smells of cooking pork.......go figure! 

"oooh a butterfly"

My mind sometimes just goes around and around in circles it's not always a good thing and at times it is way too easily distracted, I need to find a hobby and sooner rather than later, lots of people say I have a great hobby (writing) but to be honest if I didn't blog I probably would be certified I really do need to get out of the house more and not just for work.

"bored again maybe I should blog!"

Blogging is great but I need to rediscover the person who didn't give a shit, and I would go where ever when ever, nowadays a trip to a hospital by myself is an exciting adventure for this boy blunder what ever happened to the guy who wake up and go fuck it I'm off to...........wherever !

"oh a piece of candy"

Blogging although exercises the mind doesn't help the fat boy blunder typing away here, its the world I need not sat indoors typing all day every day, my long list of small chores is testament to that. it's not just for me that I want do better generally in life it's also for my family, wife, kids and grand kids, I'm sure you get the picture there is no real reason why I should be Mr Grumpy all of the time!

" maybe I should just quit blogging"

I actually tried it, and I wasn't happy for the longest time, so for now I shall keep plugging away, go find me on twitter, go look a the web site I set up and ruined in the same day, go buy some books you tightwads and most of all press like on whichever social network you use spread the disease, the stronger we get the better (hopefully t will get0 until next time, which hopefully will be sooner than you think, enjoy your time with family and friends keep watching the sky for incoming .....Toodles!