Sometimes it Snows in April

I was apprehensive about doing this blog as I has started to spiral out with life the universe and everything, but I got a grip on life and gave myself a wakeup call, this is the story as it unfolded, it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be, maybe there’s hope after all!

You all know I had done two blogs in quick succession (well I have to do some catching up after my digital absence) and they had been mainly honest reflections of the time of writing, then I reverted to type and started taking notes and refining, that’s is where the thread started to unravel (just a little).

I started to question things, things that have no consequence in the factor of my life, I had a cull on Facebook and other social media platforms, people who I didn’t really know, celebrities and the such like, I was starting to feel negativity building, I didn’t even try to stop it actually if anything I fuelled it, I can’t really put my finger on what’s gnawing at me, another CBT course is probably what’s required but you know how stubborn men can be, hell it took me over 30 years to ask for the  last one I don’t think I have that length of time left to wait for another!  

I then noticed some peeps had culled me from Facebook and it got to me, I don’t know who and it started to eat at me, I didn’t mind being culled I just didn’t know had culled me, my memory isn’t what it used to be (old age has kicked in) and then anxiety reared its head in all aspects of life, there was a wonderful invitation (that I had been doing the ground work since the invitation, it was going to be our first proper trip to Shields this year) to a party with wonderful people, anxiety started kicking me in all the soft places, I struggle in social occasions at the moment, but I had no intention of surrendering, onwards and upwards. Food became the order of the day, burying my face and fears (it didn’t work, it never does) more worry and anxiety, I bumped into peeps at work who I know and I was in a total panic, I didn’t want to stand and talk, nothing wrong with them just me being an ass, there was no reason to break and run but I wanted to, they do read the blog so they will now know why I looked like a startled deer, work isn’t doing it for me at the moment, Now here I am worrying about myself and the wife is working herself to a frazzle, granted she is not doing the hours I’m doing, but she has a medical condition that is painful (no not me) she also has to deal with the Kraken (that’s more than enough grief I can assure you) her hours are all over the place, I wouldn’t want to do what she does, and on top of that she has to come home to me, I’m surprised she hasn’t turned to drink!

When I’m in this mood I struggle to communicate, even verbalise the simplest of greetings, thankfully I was able to pull myself up by my bootstraps, life wasn’t beating me, because of all the unhealthy things I have been doing my health has been taking a kicking, if I’m honest that is probably what the source of my problems are, food etc. if I could sort this out more than likely most of my health issues would melt away like April snow! Yes, the name game is in play again this weeks should be so easy, but it’s actually true, the past two weekends Gimpsville has been coated in a smattering of the white stuff (no not cocaine) thankfully it didn’t last very long, mind you watching a gritter disappear up the road spreading salt last night sent a shiver down my spine (I’m too old for the white stuff now).

The week ground to a halt at work and I didn’t care by Friday, which isn’t me, I was looking forward to some time off, admittedly we had a trip to the other side of the country to start the upload of our dependants luxury items! to start collecting the youngest daughter’s belongings, on top of that the wife had a double shift on Friday as well as the Saturday morning and then our journey things were starting to unravel, a number of spats from the wife as she lost control of her ability to see things right in front of her it was time for kid gloves and for once it wasn’t about me, micromanagement seemed to be the order of the day, finally off to bed on the Friday night, only for the wife to sleep in on the Saturday it wasn’t an ideal start I just had to help her focus, I then spent the day refining what I already had written down, and hoovering the house as the dog is moulting he should be as bald as me, but damn he’s not, then the wife was on her way home, she suggested something from the chip shop as a quick meal before heading off to the other side of the world, and then it happened the wife had a total spazz fit in the car looking for something that she couldn’t see right in front of her, once calmed down and safely home, she then informed me that the kraken was coming with us on our delicious little jaunt (FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK) this was going to turn into the journey from hell and the outward journey was just that, I was praying that wife would reach sufficient speed so I could throw myself under a passing truck (damn child locks) they argue over things that are meaningless, it’s like tip toeing through a minefield, I had the headache from hell before we started, this was like a ferret trying to get out of my skull only to realise the Kraken was sat there in front of me and for the ferret to turn around and dig back into my skull from another direction.

We arrived safely and it was great to see our youngest waiting for us, we soon got all of the required materials collected, I thought it was hilarious that there was an empty bottle of Kraken on the daughter’s window, oh I chuckled! but then there was a small shopping trip thrown in for good measure, even the wife was fading, but we carried on and thankfully it wasn’t to last for too long although I did get a new journal book for taking notes for future blogs, I even had a jolly jape with the wife we had gone in the Krakens car (same model different colour to ours) I didn’t say anything as the wife tried to open it with our car keys (tee hee it’s the little things) my head was down to a dull roar as we headed home thankfully it was a quiet return journey. One last argument (they could both argue in an empty room but put them together it’s a major pain in the ass! Life’s too short people) at the Kraken’s cave and as we pulled off the drive to head home, I asked if we were going to the party and the wife admitted defeat, she couldn’t do it she needed to rest her weary bones, food was the order of the day and as we pulled into our local Chinese I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy it, even before we ordered it, once home and ensconced on the settee we scoffed the food, apologies sent to our friends we both fed our faces and neither of us enjoyed it, a ridiculously early time (even for me) to climb the wooden hill and an even earlier start that we made (ooh surprise I was in charge this time), the wife was corralled and pointed in the right direction and off to work at the right time.

Me well now I’m left to my own devices (yup I know I have to blog) so after I have hoovered because of the mutt I started in on this, with the intention to make a happier blog than my notes suggested! Chores complete I started polishing as I check the final draft I am tucking into Lemon Drizzle cake and cream (YUM YUM) and for once not because I’m depressed but because I do deserve a treat, good boys should be rewarded and not punished and I have been very good this week! I’m seriously disappointed at missing the party and all of the guests last night, I had worked so hard to be in the right frame of mind to be with people, when I say that, it’s not because I feel that I’m special just that people have made the effort to invite us, I don’t want people saying there’s misery in the corner, I have to admit though I will never do karaoke (which is a shame as I love to sing but unfortunately I sounded like a bag of cat’s been thrown from a high rise builder into a mincer ……...so yes still better than Axl Rose!) I will have a look at the pictures and smile knowing I have good friends, and yes I do know it.

So there you go there’s the blog not the putrid bag of pus I was expecting, I feel better today (was that the sleep) and I certainly feel better after finishing this maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel and that’s it’s not an oncoming train, numbers have been through the roof the last few blogs so maybe I must just be doing something right for a change, if I ever figure it out it will spoil it! A quick mention to Mr Death could he please stop taking people who are meant to entertain us, take some of those horrible politicians please, since Prince passed away everybody has been posting their fave tracks and there has been some fab music posted, bringing a smile to even my miserable face, that’s what’s life is supposed to be about happiness, I know I get it until the next time ……………. Toodles!