Sunday 31 May 2015

Not Responsible

Alright yes I am still alive, no I haven't been sectioned, I haven't spun out in a mid life crisis or any of the other queries that have been flung my way since the last post, believe it or not I have been trying to behave like an adult! yah go figure

The main reason I have kept a low profile (no I'm not a lazy bastard ) is I am attempting to go for a new job that will bring many much needed pennies into my account, while at the same time attempting to move up the slippery ladder that is known as work, the main problem/shock/issue etc etc is that everybody has been so supportive I have to a small degree gone off in a small paranoid direction, not major, quite minor, but all the same disturbing, at the same time I have also been swatting up and attempting to have a game plan, I know the way my company works I have a figure in mind for the salary and if they don't offer it well lets just say I could upset a few people who have supported me because I have no intention of haggling, that's the end of that conversation it will either die on the vine or come to fruition within the next couple of weeks, watch this space.

The rest of life is as always just spinning plates and trying to pay the bills when they arrive, if its not one thing its another, this year as always looks as though its going to be another hard year but we will just have to suck it up and get on with it (no you can't have a new car yet, my liver hasn't grown back yet) I will admit to missing a social life who knew getting old was as shit as this, however a wedding to look forward to next week with some familiar faces will be a welcome relief, but its the tee hee club I feel the need to reach out to, that is something that needs to be resolved quickly as that particular battery needs recharged, if I do get this new job the first six months will be manic, I won't get an opportunity to spend any hard earned cash.

I'm also trying to avoid peoples holiday snaps cos I need one bad! but will not be getting one for a while, a nice lottery win would be nice and helpful (wink wink) ah well life goes on, music has been a great saviour these last few weeks and damn its mainly old stuff late seventies early eighties does this mean that I am an old .............yeah lets not go there!

Lots of you have been messaging me asking what the issue was and that's nice to see that some people have indeed missed me, not everybody but some of you and as for the numbers lets just say they have done pretty damn well, hopefully a more even keel will be the order of the day as soon as my current predicament is resolved and lets not go any where near my health issues that's another blog for another day, so onwards and upwards don't let life grind you down because to be honest we would never win until the next time watch the skies for incoming..........Toodles!

Sunday 10 May 2015

Pocket

I drifted off today, it appears that I was meditating on a beach, after a couple of minutes of wonderment, words started to float towards me, "an impersonal life creating vastness is ever changing" this metaphor touched me deeply! I felt at one with my world, it made me feel as though time had stopped , or at least in a kind of stasis, finally a feeling of peace came over me, then suddenly another idea wafted towards me, "I'm alive in an impersonal world and it would appear that I can't stop taking it personally" then just as quick as that one went past "life can only be sustained by other life forms" WTF where the hell are these coming from? then from behind me "ever-changing is just another way of saying shit happens" by now I was starting to panic, I realised that I had strayed from the path of meditation (no not medication) I tried to chill, I too a deep breath of fresh air and once that being completed I turned to wards the ocean, realizing that it wasn't fresh air I had breathed in and that also the ocean was disappearing in a haze!

I awoke to the dulcet tones of the wife shouting at me, telling me I'm a dirty bastard and that I shouldn't fill me or the dog with cheese!

I knew all along it had been a dream, however the dog farting was way worse than the wife shouting me awake!

See I do compile things, that first part was written months ago and again its an attempt not just to be a big misery, I am trying or at least that's what the wife keeps telling me! many thanks and salutations the last blog was the second most read blog here on this little profile the numbers went right through the roof now if I could only work out why (lol) life continues noting to report so move along there, move along hahahaha, until the next time Toodles1

Sunday 3 May 2015

From out of nowhere (a Pagan wedding)


So we had the glory of the birthday party, we now had the wedding party to look forward to, I was a tad giddy with the thought of two nights out in great company within a week (WTF) I had gotten over the hissy fit and the wife’s comment, as I had vented my spleen over the incident, onwards is my motto of the moment so hopefully she had taken the hint(NOT), work was as always work but my get up and go had got up and fucked off, hopefully not too many people had noticed, the only blimp on the horizon was the eldest planning (or not planning in this instance) a weekend away with no thought for kids or animals (let’s not get started) and I just knew that the wife and the Kraken were going to huff and puff about it, deal with it and move on life’s too short, however as always I’m getting ahead of  myself.

Work flowed slow like treacle but I went with it and hopefully it kept my head away from any targets that were being shot at, I had a blood test on Thursday and that went swimmingly with another appointment booked for me to be told “you’re a fat twat” I shuffled  back to work and chilled as I am trying to learn, then somebody went and lied to me thinking that I didn’t already know the truth and I gave them the opportunity to tell the truth…….they didn’t, so they can reap what they sow, when the fruits of their deceit come to fruition  later! Friday came and again I kept a low profile even though there had been a serious incident on one of our sites, thankfully my boss turned up and dealt with it (praise the lord) I let the day play it course and rather than go home I had some eats at work then got ready for what had the makings of a great night!

I didn’t want to have to rely on the plague carrier to get me home and to stress the wife about arriving on time, so I got changed and chillaxed at work reading  while I waited, I was in a glorious mood as I got in the car and off we went, that’s there the night got kinky…….we got there on time , I know I was shocked and stunned as anybody else was, we said our hello’s to the happy couple grabbed a seat and again chilled talked to some peeps and generally went with the flow, the venue was a tad awkward for drink as you had to go to the downstairs bar for any draught drink and apart a little argument about different prices for the same drinks it wasn’t really that much of an inconvenience.

G &E arrived and it was so great to see them as we hadn’t seen them since before Christmas and with the current financial status it might be Christmas before we see them again we soon devoured all of the gossip and the world seemed to right itself again, good times with great peeps! Soon everybody else was there and the conversation and although I was to the back of it all, I didn’t mind (just the way I was seated I wasn’t being mysterious) as it was just nice the way the night unfolded, soon the food was flowing and instead of opting for the curry, I opted for the pie and mushy peas (MMMM) and the world seemed to be ok, more great banter with good people, even the pink panther was there (a personal joke that E has forced me to publish!) at this point I needed the loo I was about to break the magical seal the night wouldn’t be the same after this!

The toilets were rather quiet maybe people just didn’t know that they were here, but I did my ablutions in near silence and as I walked back into the hall I was met by a crescendo of cannon fire from incredibly loud party poppers, then my world tilted and I just wanted to run away! I hadn’t expected this, it was just one long wave after another, a full on barrage of cannons firing from all sides, I tried to calm myself I even tried to join in, but my cloud had arrived with reinforcements and my defences were down with all the guards asleep on duty, I had possibly the worst panic attack of my life I wanted to escape just get the hell out of dodge and runaway, thankfully the wife noticed and steadied the ship just enough, I told her I needed to go, I bolted for the exit (without any grace) unfortunately I didn’t (couldn’t) say goodnight or say thank you for our gracious hosts or our friends, I was stopped temporarily by a gaggle of girls heading down stairs and I didn’t want to get amongst them in case I panicked and sent everybody flying!    

The cold of the bridge between the buildings made me think, trying to remember all of the solutions I had learnt from my therapy, but to no avail, I couldn’t raise my defences the apaches were within the fort scalping any living soul they could find, the wife turned up concerned and all I wanted to do was to cry and scream then cry some more, we exited the building, all I could see was the river and a possible exit from this misery, thankfully and finally my exercises were starting to make sense, the alarm bells were sounding and reinforcements were on the way, unfortunately too little too late! Wave after wave of desolation hit me and nearly brought me to my knees, I was in tears and howling like a madman, something I had never done in years never mind since my therapy, I was pointed in the direction of our car but I couldn’t get in it, I wasn’t breathing, my wife was now getting concerned, I didn’t have a clue I just hated myself my life and just about everything in it! Finally I managed to gain entry and sit and calm myself with the help of the wife, she had never seen me like this before, and I could tell she was concerned, did she go and get help and risk leaving me there by myself howling in the night, thankfully not, as soon as I could control my breathing I sunk into a semi state of consciousness, repeatedly saying sorry on what must been an incredibly long journey home to Gimpsville for the wife, I walked zombie like into our house and fell into the settee, I don’t remember much of the rest of the night I know I slept but thankfully I didn’t dream because that would have been simply too much to bear!

I awoke on the Saturday like a new man drained of just about everything but better for it, I felt like a boxer who had gone the distance, thankfully though I wasn’t emotional, I felt distanced from the happenings of the previous evening, although the rest of the day would again see me in a zombie like state for some of the day repairing my defences and sleeping (always the best medicine) by evening I was in a better state of mind, not 100% but definitely better!

I think if that had happened before my therapy, I think I could have actually done harm to myself, without thinking of any of the consequences, that has been the worst attack in years, and my first one in over 10 months, my own fault, I had let my defences down and wasn’t compos mentis when the incident arrived, it wasn’t caused by alcohol (two pints) I now know how the Americans felt on December 7th 1941 when the Japanese rolled into Pearl Harbour kicking ass! I feel a strange sense of detachment towards it now and I feel ashamed that I allowed it to happen, this isn’t over the battle was nearly lost and I can only say thank you to my wife who got me through it. I now have to shake myself out of this apathy and realise if given the chance, my black cloud will come storming over my defences at each and every chance it will get. Lesson learned I don’t intend to let that happen again!

I feel a lot stronger today whereas before therapy something like that would have stayed with me for weeks, to anybody who was there and concerned for me (if you spotted the incident) I am so much better and stronger because of it, I will not be beaten and I will never surrender all I can do now is put my best forward and say thanks for everybody’s support!

I’m sorry the night ended the way that it did and yet again the wife has to suffer the consequences, I will at some point make amends, today well today I’m here alone listening to the rain attack the outside of the house as the wife heads off to her place of work, I will finish this then post and intend to spend the rest of the day with music and reading………..go figure!

I know I’m not cured and I know that I can only take one day at a time that’s one lesson that I have learned from this, I take this opportunity to wish the happy couple lots of love and happiness, you really did make a sad old man believe in in happiness! So until the next time Toodles!