Tuesday 17 November 2015

Silence amongst the static


This has been the longest darkest week of our lives, thankfully it begins to drew to a close tonight, huge amounts of damage have been done, however with the love of good friends we appear to have arrived at the other side battered but not bowed.

We lost a beloved member of the family this week and at such a young age, none of us were prepared for the despair that followed in its wake, the loss is terrible and although I have to admit to being a cold fish, I’m destroyed for the loss, I’m destroyed for the wife as I seem to be able to do little to console her although I won’t give up trying! Thankfully he is now at rest, not suffering anymore after that horrible disease claimed him way too early in his life, thankfully that “C” word meant nothing to him, it did nothing to shrink his happy go lucky demeanour.

There been a family fallout earlier in the illness, something which could have been avoided, but that’s not what the blog is about, it’s something that should have been avoided, it didn’t help either side, both sides suffered, us from not having as much access and the other side not being able to take up our offers of support, we bimbled on as best we could with short outbursts of emotion, totally debilitating  the wife when it hit, but she is made of sterner stuff and soon got back on the horse and rode on.

I attempted to bury myself at work, it worked to a degree but I was always easily distracted, the bear was not available for any meetings I hid more than I did work, my boss and work mates were fantastic, I honestly probably would have slid back into the dark old ways if not for them, I’m sure they weren’t aware, but they really did save the day for me. Music has as always been a constant, helping my many moods, especially when I didn’t want to connect to the outside world, which was often if I’m being honest, we got to see the little man one last time and he directed us to where we had to stand, the happiest point (for me) of the last few months, we had been told not expect much but as soon as he saw the wife he sat up happy over the moon to see her even the morphine couldn’t rob him of that happy moment in time, that will live with me for the rest of my natural life!

We were going to see him the following week but it wasn’t to be he slipped away, but we were there within five minutes and the wife got to hold him one last time, he really did love her, he loved being cuddled by her. Then our world tilted and ground to a halt and we had to try and keep it together for the sake of our own sanity, I was fine until I had to phone my boss and then I blubbed like a girl, work again was fantastic and I rallied all of the defences to come to the wife’s aid, it was agreed that the Hurricane would stay with us over the coming weekend, I’m not going say why I think it happened this isn’t the forum for that, we were just thankful to have that little bundle of dynamite over the threshold once more.

The week passed and we did what we were supposed to, we grieved, even me, we had arranged for the youngest daughter to come home and for once the house would filled with joyous noise, the Hurricane arrived and he was so excited to be here within a minute of being here he launched himself to the bottom of the stairs, stopping all of our hearts at once, I honestly thought he had broken his neck, thankfully he sat and grinned then realised he needed to cry for some sympathy and sweets, crocodile tears flowed for all of about 12 seconds and then he took off like a hurricane through the house, which he demolished and rebuilt over the course of the weekend several times, shouting at the top of his lungs his favourite word of the moment ”POOP” we soon cured him of that, every time he said his favourite word aunty kissed him, yup a typical little boy he stopped almost straight away. We did our usual yomp around Gimpsville, well he went on his scooter and I limped behind! More cards and flowers arrived and again I was doing really well until a card arrived from work with lots of people’s condolences “damn I sprung another leak” thankfully my defences were built tall and strong it was just the odd freak wave that got me from time to time.

The weekend finished quicker than I thought and soon he was heading home, the wife and the youngest had arranged a night out with friends to cheer themselves, me I sat in the house in the dark, I enjoyed it and not in a bad way, it just gave me time to think good thoughts, which was strange! Monday a last day to sort out things for the coming day, and we soon headed to our pits awaiting that dreaded day, Morning soon came back over the hill and I was up and making breakfast just like any other day, no matter what happens the world never stops turning. It started to rain, was this the littles man way of saying he was happy, I’m not sure, but he was ever present at the forefront of my brain for the rest of the day, I busied myself with cleaning shoes so that we could look nice and clean for inspection, the rest of the day went by in a blur and we were soon heading home and thankfully the wife didn’t turn into the Kraken, it was close but not close enough.

We got home and again we said we would look after the Hurricane, once again straight away he is into the sweets (we have taught him well) and the little blighter has only swallowed a bloody cola cube damn he is putting us through the hoops, crisis averted the youngest heads back to Uni, I sit here and my heart breaks as he looks at me and tells me he misses his brother, nobody should have to go through this at his age. Now we have to pick ourselves up and get on with our lives, they won’t go on as before, but we will do our best.

The blogs will hopefully now be able to try and return to some kind of normalcy, can’t promise but I will try, thank you to everybody in my life who have helped us over the last few months, I know thank you might not seem a lot but it’s all I have left, so once again thank you from the heart of my bottom (well I did say I was trying to return things to an even keel) so watch the skies there will another one along soon so until then Toodles!

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