The Memory Remains

The issue that I raised my hand and asked for help, is still here, my little black cloud is still sitting there, now it’s wondering how the hell it can race in and give me a kicking! Me I’m sat here waiting for it, but now I’m loaded for bear and I ain’t going down without a fight! Is that me feeling brave, I’m afraid no I’m not, I know at some point it’s going to want to have another go, but this time I will be ready and waiting with the extra tweaks and little exercises that should help me. I feel so much better, better than I have in such a long while and although I was sceptical as to what help was going to be given (prescription pad at the ready!)But here I am sitting typing this feeling a damn sight better than I did twenty weeks ago.

Is it going to be as bad or debilitating as it has been in the past? I’m hoping that the forecast doesn’t call for heavy weather, the waves might get a little choppy, but I have a new compass that will lead me to calmer waters or in a worst case scenario a safe harbour. I feel better, there is a clarity that if I’m being honest hasn’t been there for the last Thirty Two years……..go figure, if you had said to me twenty weeks ago I would feel this good about myself I would have laughed straight in your face, but here I am, not cured but a better person, I stayed the distance, I didn’t have a strop, I didn’t leave, I was a good boy (me with my reputation) the memory replays the same six minutes of my life in some ways in more detail than ever before, and in others it’s so hazy it’s hard to make out any details and at the moment I’m happy with that.

Now some people will definitely not like the newer more confident me (don’t worry I haven’t turned into Rambo) but I am indeed a different person coming out of the treatment than I was going in. so with the best intention in the world, my intention is to live my life like I stole it and try to enjoy what time I have left on this blue pearl spinning out in the darkness, if you see me please say hello I’m old and infirm and my eye sight isn’t what it used to be, but I’m not hiding anymore and that should be a good thing for everybody.

Fear has two meanings:

Forget Everything And Run.

Face Everything And Rise.

Take a guess which one I intend to do?