Sunday 9 November 2014

Hit Me With Your Best Shot


Brick wall dead ahead emotions spiraling all around but thankfully positivity has been the order of the last few days, I reckon I could have taken on the world these last two days, but outside negativity and emotional turmoil in a friends life hasn’t been held in check and now I chase after their emotional tails like a fox on the run, I feel like I’m running around a bloody light house with no chance of catching the bloody things!

It’s a long time since I have been this emotionally stable but I can feel the sands filtering away slowly and I’m not sure how to stop it, my life is being like a bloody rollercoaster and it’s been heading upwards for the last couple of days I prefer when it keeps to an even keel, I’m like a kid in the seventies having a rush with all the additives, and I can see the wall, I can see it sitting there smugly, lulling me into a false sense of security knowing full well it will knee cap me (emotionally) sooner rather than later.

As I type this all I can say is bring it on, at this moment in time I could take on the world I really don’t care, who or what it is come on ya bastard! But no it’s content to sit there like the malevolent force that my brain is. It is gearing up to grind away like an old siege machine on a castle wall and just grind me into submission, but it’s not all about me though is it, if it was just about me then I would be fine and dandy walking down the street clicking my heels, good feelings never last and I dread having them because I know what’s at the other side, I feel as though I have done everything in my power to brace the coming storm I didn’t understand why all of a sudden I had this upturn in my emotional  wellbeing, I soon gripped the side when I realized it was heading out into the stratosphere, I knew I had no other option but to hang on, that’s why I have been so tired on the nighttime my emotions have just wiped me out completely, sleep has been like the sleep of the dead with no recollection of anything, a good thing most would think considering what I go through most nights, I’m not happy about it, at least this time I have been enjoying the moment and staying happy for as long as I can living within the moment feeling all the sharp things trying to burst my bubble.

So far so good but this is virgin territory for me and all the things that go with it, my emotions normally fall like domino’s and this time they aren’t what kind of new hell is this going to turn into, my bubble is intact but wearing thin and I would rather have it burst now not when I’m away from home , not at work, not travelling I know I am going to struggle with this one, I know I’m going down but I intend to go down swinging, I’m frightened but relaxed about it, and that in itself is a huge weight off my mind, but it’s all new, I’m not happy I’m itchy about it and still the emotions are running thick and fast I want to drink (I have resisted) I want to eat (I have resisted to a much better degree than normal) I feel as though I want to go and howl at the fucking moon!

Anger is the emotion that does the damage and I can’t vent it really, it is just one long primal scream, blood on my conscious, impending doom waiting with his co-conspirator paranoia, anger is not a beautiful emotion and its one I have no idea how to quantify it, I have only ever let rip once before and I trashed an entire bathroom with the sink going through the window (there were other issues like adultery etc etc going on in the back ground) but rather that than end up in jail, not that I have any intention of harming anybody or even myself but anger is there and it has me scared, I’m still at my post I haven’t abandoned all hope, but it knows it has beaten me many times before.

Life passes by and in a blink of an eye it goes from happy to sad, sentimental to angry, level headed to full blown paranoia, so quick it’s like trying to catch lighting in a bottle! So now I sit here on edge deliberately pushing myself to the downward spiral, should I do it because I know it will level out at some point, but will it, or will it just take me down a rabbit hole I have no intention of going. This is my life everyday every night,    

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