Fatalistic Attitude

The tide broke this morning sat in the bath after a lie in and a hearty breakfast, life reared it’s ugly head and bit me firmly in the ass, a wall of despair crashed down on me from a great height and though I did everything in my power to resolve the issue, it took me a lot longer than I thought it would, a voice from downstairs called up and enquired “you alright?” by the time the question was asked I had picked myself up off the floor literally and was pushing myself to go rejoin the human race I didn’t want too but I know I have no choice.

This issue has followed me around for over thirty years, I don’t think I was the happiest camper when I was a kid (hormones and all the crap that goes with being a kid sort of tags along) but I know 100% that I wasn’t the unhappiest. I enjoyed my life as a kid it wasn’t fantastic with sunbeams and rainbows, but I wasn’t abused as a kid I was given plenty of love and affection by the one parent who chose to stay about and be an actual parent, shit happened and we did our best, I’m sure I was a miserable little git at times (all my old mates standing wherever they are in the world and nodding their heads in a agreement)I always over compensated always tried to be the best and brashest person in the group, annoying more than likely is the word but my friends stuck by me through thick and thin, for better or worse and for that I thank them for that with all the gratitude I can muster!

My black cloud tried everything today but it couldn’t keep me down for a count of ten I kept getting back up, but I feel drained now and thankfully it hasn’t come back because I know that it would win this time, there’s nothing left in the tank I just want to get through the rest of the day and climb into my pit and sleep the sleep of the dead with out any intrusions I want to sleep the sleep of dreamless beauty.

I have sat with a glum expression for most of the day and inward expression people have been thanking me for the help that I have given, because I do try to help honestly I do, but happiness and all its little rays of sunshine have not appeared to cheer my bleak little soul. A friend once said that I had a fatalistic attitude, that is where I am at the moment and the help I have asked for is indeed my attempt to do away with it, I’m not wanting to be a raving loon, I’m not wanting to be sat there like a born again Christian saying “praise the lord” or any of that bollocks, I just want that little black cloud to fuck off!

I want to be the master of my own destiny (in a fashion) I know that other things will pool and collect and infect me in a similar way, but this has been with me for 30 plus years, in the words of an Angelic Upstarts song “Go away and leave me alone” thank god for work today although I’m not looking forward to travel home on a plague carrier(in layman’s terms public transport) full of ingrates, but then again that just might be me and my fatalistic attitude!