Wednesday 12 November 2014

Abandon Hope


 
Then the darkness comes seeping back like blood flowing  towards a drain hole in a mortuary, after the initial surge of hope and belief comes the downwards spiral, that simple futility that comes creeping back in to all of my waking and non-waking thoughts, wondering why I even bothered, why I thought it would make a difference, even though it did for a few weeks, it was like the phoney war, I thought that all would be well and good, but the false sentiment was soon washed away, my waking hours were filled with dread  and my sleep was taken up by the repeat of that six bloody minutes back in 1982.

I really did think that once I raised the flag and signalled for reinforcements, that I would be helped a little quicker than what the Falklands were, I did my initial appraisal and I spoke to a professional person for the first time in over twenty years, I believe I was a good boy I certainly didn’t over egg the pudding.

Do I want to harm myself?

No!

Do you wish to harm others?

No!

Are you willing to take anti-depressants?

That would be a hell no!

I felt better, I was in longer than I thought I would be, I spoke longer and in more detail than I thought I could, the quiet charm of the lady did the trick, she took notes and it was all good to go, there had been no negativity, and the upshot was I would be seen within the next six to eight weeks, I sat and waited.

Eight weeks later I received a letter, actually I received a rather thick letter, it turns out that it was another form to fill that looked vaguely familiar, it was it was all the questions I had been asked at my appraisal, in the same order and everything, and a rather draconian cover note stating that if I did not respond within five working days the matter would be considered closed. WTF? So I sat and answered the questions slightly different, why because I was in a different place a different frame of mind, but the blackness was seeping back in!

Every day I ask the same question “is there any post”  to receive the stock answer “no just the usual shite” every day that was like a rock fired from a trebuchet  hitting the same spot every time slowly but surely breaking through the defences, slowly but surely chipping away at the remnants of my confidence, trying to be happy go lucky and not winning every time, I felt like a boxer dead on my feet (and the original title of this chapter) taking hit after hit and looking to my corner hoping that they would throw the towel in, so I didn’t have to go through the onslaught of my day!

A lot of the people who I work with and I dare say a few more who know me probably think that I have a happy go lucky demeanour (notice I didn’t put the wife or family in with that lot) but my inside emotions and general unhappiness are grinding away at me and I struggle on a daily basis to keep an even keel, sometimes when in meetings I just want to punch some poor person because in the grand scheme of things what they are waffling on about is of no great consequence. Thankfully I have been able to get some time alone, usually while travelling to and from work and I appear to have the look of a serial killer as people very rarely want to sit next me, I can only assume that I’m giving off a vibe! But I’m grateful of the time alone to try and figure out my issues, in a never ending full circle. Someone who has these issues will probably understand, where I am coming from but the most of people will just think that I’m a whinging bastard, I’m inclined to agree with them, in reality what I have been going through is nothing compared to some of the trauma that others go through (hopefully when my therapy finally starts something resembling an explanation will help my weary brain) was it just the wrong thing at the wrong time? I have no idea and that is what has been driving me ever since that day.

It wasn’t my intention to write at every step of my treatment, with me thinking that indeed my treatment (or whatever you want to call it) would be well underway, But it’s not and I’m sinking and sinking fast I feel a certain kind of malevolence towards the world in general, my get up and go has fucked off (I’m sorry there’s no other way to say that particular statement) I like to think myself as being quite self-motivated, give me a task  and I will be the person to get it done, I try and keep up with the front of the pack, but now I am stepping further and further back into the pack, I’m not the helpful person I want to be, I’m not as polite as I know I can be and I look at every task as though it’s a major problem, when in reality they are only small piddley issues!

My eating habits are becoming silly again, not eating through the day at all simply because I will fall asleep after anything to eat, then munching through whatever there is the cupboard, I have tried to stop drinking in the house, because that doesn’t help. Although I have rarely drank at home, but if I drink I get the munchies and if I’m in the house well let’s just say there is a seemingly endless supply of food to get me through my unhappiness, My family I despair for, as none of this is of their doing and I will admit I’m not a troublesome troll trawling through the day looking for trouble, but I don’t think that I’m the nicest person in the world, Again that could just be my perception! My temper is shortening and the wife always thinks of me as stubborn! As I have stated many times she has never seen me be stubborn and I hope that she never will, but it’s a course of action that I head as a matter of point every time now, that’s not good for our relationship, a relationship that has it’s bad points on both sides of the fence, but this is one I should be able to shake, this is something that happened 32 years ago why should this one random act still have its claws stuck in me like a rejected lover from an eighties subplot of a crap film.

It’s beating me, I am admitting that here and now, my reserves are slowly ebbing away and I don’t want to fight the good fight, no that does not mean that I want to self-harm, I am not suicidal, but I do want the world to fuck off, and with that I mean the world his uncle his dog and everything that goes with it, I feel the need to be spiteful, so that I can cut the mooring ropes from the island that is called friendship, those few remaining people that are willing to help me bring me from out of the cold (and they know who they are, but even after reading this they will never comprehend how much they have helped me over the last five or six years)is there more of my father in me than I care to own up to (how would I even know I haven’t seen him in forty one years) is there a desperate need to be alone by myself and to cover myself in solitude, and the unhappiness that I seem to crave, is that the one thing that will make me happy?

I don’t even want to contemplate that, I want the wife and the two kids and my dog (no matter how much I seem to deny it), I want friendship, I want people who like me just because I’m a regular kind of guy, I will never be the leader of the pack (I have never wanted to be) I just want to wake up and like myself. Many times I have written replies to people who talk to me about my blogs, and I always say as long as I can wake up happy then it’s a good day to be alive, and I genuinely do feel that way about life, I’m not too concerned about the general lack of disposable income, as I have said many times I have never had much and by the looks of things I never will, but as long as I’m happy when I wake up I consider myself a very lucky man. Add the poison that has been slowly infecting my waking and un-waking hours, it’s a miracle that I have managed to get this far! My wife has helped tremendously and I know it hasn’t been plain sailing; she has helped shore up my defences simply for being there to talk to me at the right moment, there is a silent understanding of sorts, I’m not saying that she has a deep understanding of me and my many issues, but she has stood by me through the bad times and the worse times, thankfully I can say she has been the cause of most of the good times!

I will continue to monitor the post, to see if anything new arrives some glimmer of hope, I have tried all of my tricks and I’m a spent force at the moment that small glimmer of hope has faded like the summer that was just starting as I asked for a helping hand, autumn races past us like a formula one car hurtling towards the darkness that is winter and those long cold months where when I most need the sunlight it’s mainly blotted out by my depressive nature and my intention of not being allowed to lead a normal life.  

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