Good Morning Judge

So there I was down but not out, I had a date to appear in court for my alleged (cough splutter) plagiarism, I knew I was screwed! but I wanted to see how screwed, so I scraped up the cash for a big money consult and he suggested I should buy a new arse! because the one I had at the time was about to be ruined, hell for £700 I wanted better news than that, my mates told me that in the pub and they at least bought me a pint for the privilege, the only good news I was given was to go to court without a lawyer, (and they expect to get paid for that kind of advice fuck me) hells bells I didn't have the money for one anyway, I actually expected the cheque I paid my fee to bounce all the way back to me, so for once I did as I was told, actually he said play for time, so not to turn up with a lawyer, so he could prepare the case, I cheekily asked a conservative price for dealing with the case and he said two years and at least £200000...WTF the cheeky bastard! so I turned up to court without a lawyer because I didn't have one, I had sacked him.

It was a sunny day (maybe that's why I hate sunny days so much) and we were the first case in court number 2 (I giggled childishly at that one, because the day was just going to get shitter as it went on) and I sat at the back because I didn't have a clue, the judge came in and asked where I was, I politely put my hand up and was asked to sit at the front, then I was asked "where's your lawyer"? "I don't have one your honour" to which he looked at me as though I was certifiable, hahaha at the time I probably was! I was asked to accompany the judge to his chambers (can I just take this moment to let the world know that at no time did he interfere with me or my body) he asked me a few questions and listened to my answers, to paint the picture at the time I was a long haired (lover from Liverpool ....ooops Ok maybe's not) lout who hadn't wore "proper clothes" in about four years. I hadn't seen a shirt since the army, but on this day I had my hair cut to a respectable length, shaved and I was wearing (gasp,shock,horror) trousers, not jeans and a shirt with a tie (I looked a right clip I can assure you) I looked a tad  respectable, the guys who dragged me to court to sue my sorry ass  had come up in the lift and not given me a second look it was so funny. I gave the judge a sob story I had just bought a house, I wasn't able to work in my profession etc etc and he bought it he gave me some advice, free of charge, I pretended that I was an innocent in a sea of devils, and he took it in hook line and bloody sinker, hahahaha so we went back into the court room and he adjourned the case, he moved the case to Durham so that I didn't have to travel he even awarded me costs for my travel down to London for the day, as I told him I had a return ticket as I didn't have the money to stay anywhere as I expected (ahem) for the case to be found against me and I would just suffer the consequences, the two guys who had brought the case sat there as though they had been kicked in the nuts the day had cost them about £1500 and me about £45 for my train fare which I got back hahaha.

The next date was set six months down the line and I set about preparing my case  along the lines of what the judge had said, I declined the legal aid solicitor because I was a screwed pooch anyway my intention was to fight a war of attrition and to cost them money, I was there on time on the allotted time and their guy wasn't he was stuck on a train somewhere south of Derby hahahaha another £1500 + for them less than £3.00 bus fare for me, the case was put on the back burner for another date in the courts calendar 8 months down the line, to which I turned up again with my plastic bag of papers this time they were two of them and they had travelled up the night before, How did I know this? I sat behind them in the café while waiting to go in, it was fun we had the same rigmarole about where was my lawyer, I told my tale in court this time and they kicked off saying I was stalling (me with my reputation) I just sat there looking innocent, they complained so far that the case had taken nearly two years at a cost of nearly £70000, shocking was my thought it had cost me next to fuck all haha, we sat through the day of evidence and then I claimed that some of the things that they had claimed were new to me and that I couldn't possibly answer without checking my facts first, the judge agreed and gave me another six months on account of the fact that I was now working a menial job on minimum wage, they were fuming as they left the court.

The next date was nearly two years after the initial start of the case and when I went to court this time I asked for it to be dismissed, as I was now getting screwed by the tax man (see last blog), I was told that they couldn't dismiss it (I knew that I was doing what I do best and that is too play dumb) as it had gone on for so long, then the dumbass's discovered that they hadn't brought the relevant paperwork, the case was moved for four weeks and then I missed the court date as my mother had had a stroke,A genuine case I was there three months down the line and we were fast approaching the three year mark, we all sat down in the judges chambers to discuss how we could get the case solved, the lawyers sat and again whinged that heir costs now exceeded £90000, and that they were no further forward, I explained that they had hounded me out of my chosen profession that my wife had left me because of it and that my mother had had a stroke because of it, how could you put a monetary cost on that,(I could have written a country and western song about it hahahaha) the judge only went and agreed with me hahahaha we were given a further 12 weeks to sort it out amicably, I ignored the first letter and claimed it hadn't come through, when the second letter arrived I had to sign to say I received it, I signed in my brothers name and then sat on it for three weeks , well I never saw my brother that often as we worked opposite shifts hahaha, we finally got to court and my final play was that I was working a number of menial jobs just to keep my head above water, that I was being prosecuted by the tax man who was now looking at the business practices of the people who dragged me through the courts, the bounders, I had lost my house in the divorce, and my family were suffering I wouldn't be able to pay any money back and would have to declare myself bankrupt, I went on and on like this for nearly twenty minutes. the court found in their favour , but because I had suffered because of their maliciousness when they could have had a lump sum of money off the major wanting to sign me, they got all they deserved case dismissed, Their lawyer got done for contempt of court and left the court head hanging low.

They disagreed with the judge and tried to appeal they were knocked back and nearly four years after denying me the job that I loved (ahem cough splutter whoops) they were told to wind their collective neck in, they didn't pay their solicitors and got dragged through the courts for that as well, I believe they owed £104,000 for the case against me, they then had costs for the second case etc etc I reckon they lost £200,000  when  they could have made £10,000 for fuck all, but no they got greedy and saw their cash cow moving onto pastures greener, it cost me I reckon £50 at most for bus fares, the moral of the story is don't fuck with me I don't care if I lose, in my mind I will always win and I really don't give a rats ass what it costs the opposition! because I have sod all to my name way.

And that concludes the historical trilogy that I promised you, about my past life in the music industry, was it better than the usual miserable waffle I post ? I suppose it depends on the numbers (and they have been so good) for those of you who care (and there does seem to a few of you) about my general mental health issues, I'm doing OK at the moment no silly moments the wife isn't shouting at me (well no more than normal) thanks for the comments and watch the skies there will be more soon as I seem to have hit a purple patch I just need to see how I organise the stream of consciousness that I have been writing of late, until then Toodles!

Tax Man

So if you have read the previous blog, you will know I was on the dole and needing to be earning some money, as I had just bought a house, paid off the debts of my first wife and had sod all left of my savings, I used to build up a nest egg and then blow it, and this time life had kicked me right in the nuts, the timing was perfect for life to teach me an important life lesson, did I learn? did I hell, I did what I always do I blundered on into the night.

I had been working at my new (menial) job for nearly a year and it paid the bills! I wasn't bothered as I honestly thought I was going to go back to doing music at some point in the near distance, so I was polite and did the job, as I always did, to the best of my abilities and I took a sickie here or there because it was just that a job low paid and crap but it kept my head above water so there were no complaints, then out of the blue I was offered another (menial) job better money and actually doing something constructive during the time I was actually at work.

I had been at my new job about 4 months when everything went pear shaped my wife whose debt I had so wonderfully cleared decided she had had enough being a regulars Joe's wife, so we split, cue a little drama and we moved on, I was gutted as much as the next person, but we both got on with it, and then about six weeks later I got a random letter from the tax man saying that they would like to go over my books (for music) not a worry I had been audited before and they had been happy, they asked me to turn up with my accountant (uh oh) so I arranged it with him and we quibbled about the fee but he was there bright and early, we were made to wait about ten minutes but they were nice and offered us a cup of tea while we waited, we declined the generous offer and kept on making plots of mass destruction and kept wondering why now all of a Sudden?

We went in and sat in the plastic seats provided and then they kicked off big style, we believe that you haven't paid enough tax, where were you working on these dates and what pay did you receive for the work?, rapid quick fire no let up the questions kept coming they left us alone while we conferred for a few minutes, marched back into the room called me a liar and my accountant worse they then said that they wanted £17,588.22  this was the money I owed plus interest, I had three years to pay it back and if I wanted to contest it they would gladly take me to court and see me in jail (gulp I'm too pretty for prison) we said that we would get back to them, we did and we agreed an easy payment settlement, I just now had to figure where the hell I was going to get the money from?

I worked every hour I could I did second and third jobs (cash in hand of course) and then I did the thing I said I would never I sold my copyrights, finally getting the tax man off my back in the three years they had said I had, phew you think! actually no I did alright out of selling my songs but one of the ones I co wrote and sold for £300 went to chart everywhere except the UK (thank fuck) if I had kept it I could of retired in 1989 (ah fuck pig), they never did ask me where I got the money from...go figure! how was I captured (do you notice I never denied doing what I was accused of) I believe my ex father in law who hated my guts found my books after I moved out and sent them to the taxman! ah well you live and learn ( I say that now but that's not how I felt at the time) it was just another nail in my musical coffin I stuck to getting paid weakly (no trust me the spelling is correct)I never had to chase people for money, it was a done deal and the taxman chased me for another ten years, why I hear you ask? well because he could.

Life didn't end I met my present wife and the third world debt that comes with becoming a family etc etc and so ends the second part of my musical malady and hopefully the third part will see me throw my ring (careful G) into mount doom or not as the case maybe so watch the skies and get used to me not being the misery I used to be but until then .....Toodles!

Kiss like Judas

Ok so I can never remember what I have written or not in previous blogs (from the other site) but a question I keep getting asked is how if I can't sing or play did I ever get involved in music? well that's dead easy, I just hung on in like gunga din, I hung around musicians, people who were very technically proficient at playing instruments, but in the writing department they couldn't string two words together! I was cheap, I was available most of the time and I worked sometimes freakishly quick, it was a great time I was young and dumb ....lets just not go there, I loved it, silly hours, silly goings on lots of travel and lots of gigs I loved it, one of my usual co writers got me a small deal with a small collective which actually got me published at the age of 15, which helped!

I was soon brought to the attention of another small publishing company (small but very professional) and I soon had a deal to produce 32 pieces of original work, not much but with my skill set, work was few and far between, thankfully my friends kept throwing me a bone here and there and I soon had a good reputation for my work ethic I would turn up on time I would work hard and I wouldn't make (too many) waves, now it wasn't always plain sailing and sometimes it was more than cross words and I soon found out who I liked working with and who I didn't, one of my mates once commented that I could spot a cock at 900 paces, I really do hope he was being complimentary.

The biggest pain was getting a credit, fine with my mates but other (ahem) artists were generally out for themselves, that was the name of the game I don't blame them if I had been in a stronger position I would have done exactly the same, I wasn't too pushy and I was really young to be doing the line of work I was in, I never worked with A list stars hell I probably managed a few Z list performers, but I enjoyed the work and at the time it was like taking candy from a baby, I soon realised I could  do re writes like a demon and although I never got a credit I got paid better, so my publisher got a bigger cut £600 in the hand was £60 for him and I made a lot of money (and I mean oodles) I also spent it rather quickly! on what? well going to see bands and the such like, the odd house from time to time, well I would have them for six months and then sell them because I never stayed there more than three or four times, I got a load of work in Edinburgh lived there on and off for 18 months then when I started looking for a flat the worked dried up! I bought a flat in Croydon I had it 9 months slept there 8 times ....go figure, work and watching bands was the order of the day and I never took it too seriously, until one day when my contract was up for renewal and the guy who owned the company offered me a very good deal, a substantial rise and a better all round contract and then when he hooked me, he took my legs away and said that a major publishing house had seen my work and wanted me to work with young bands (as in illiterate)  and what they were offering was double what he was ....ah bugger he gave me 8 weeks to think about it and he was more than happy for me to take their deal, he wouldn't stand in my way, the fact that they had offered him a rather large signing on fee helped but he kept that to himself (for the moment) it was all up to me.

I was confused at the time, for about ten minutes and then I said that I would sign with the major, he then told me everything that would happen, he didn't want to release me early as I was his biggest earner, although I wasn't publishing many originals his percentage of me doing the assists to these bands amounted to nearly 40% of his company's profit, I set the ball rolling, I went to the new plush offices of the new company, i was shown who I would be working under, it all seemed very civilised! what on earth could go wrong (you can see where this going can't you) two weeks later my publisher died of a heart attack, an honest man working long hours trying to do  the best that he could for his loyal band of workers and sometimes times were lean, sometimes the company was on a sticky wicket, which is why he was glad to have me on the books, at the time there was outstanding VAT and although the money was there it wasn't ready cash and his wife wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with all the goings on ( I have recently found out that she bought the company back a few years ago and its once more a thriving independent) she got a great offer and all the liabilities off her back so she took it.

The company changed almost straight away some people laid off, others contracts were (ahem) renegotiated, mine wasn't they seemed keen to keep me, but this was the straw that broke the camels back, things then turned nasty they refused to release me until I completed all the works owed under the terms of the contract (ah bollocks) I had been labouring away doing all the re writes I hadn't taken due care and attention of my contract and although I had done above and beyond the call of duty, they were simply holding me to ransom (wanted my copyrights etc etc) now at this point I should point out I will gladly cut my nose off to spite my own face and I was worse when I was younger, so I went into stroppy mode (oops) and it didn't get me anywhere, so soon we had gunship diplomacy, neither side talking except through lawyers and I was hurting badly, the major was shrinking in the distance and I did the stupidest thing in the world, I completed my contract in just under eight days, something was rotten in the state of Denmark and the new owners were aware of it, I had produced just over 35 completed sets of lyrics in that period of time, even me at full speed ahead, this was a completely erroneous state of affairs, problem solved I cleared my desk and waited with baited breath.

Seven days later I was hit with a writ that claimed breach of contract, fraudulent accounting methods and worse of all plagiarism, I was sunk the major ripped up the contract up I was holed below the waterline with those charges against me nobody would touch me with a barge pole I knew that I was fucked but I wasn't backing down (hindsight is a wonderful thing) the urge of youth or whatever you want to call it I went down all guns blazing, the why and the where fore isn't for this blog (another time yes)  the upshot in reality I should have resigned for another year gone with the flow and walked away and they couldn't have done fuck all, I counter sued loss of earnings etc etc etc and then fired my lawyers, and turned up in court with just little old me to defend myself, I had just bought a house and pumped everything into the house, I was penniless so I took a temporary job (27 years I'm still there ) the trials and tribulations I will blog about another time.

Were the charges correct? actually yes  and no, yes I was in breach of contract  but it had been agreed (with a handshake) with the previous owner and that's why there was the signing on fee, had I been fraudulent actually that would be a no, hells bells I was scared of my own shadow did I rip off the taxman? yes! did the taxman catch and rag me with a rusty trumpet your darn tooting he did, again a story for another blog! did I plagiarise anybody.........yes I did I was so pissed of like a dumbass I went home and trawled through every obscure (not that obscure as it was) album I had and I pulled a line from here and a line from there until I had the required number to sell my soul! they simply employed a musicologist and he nailed my sorry arse to the wall (the bastard) bang to rights etc etc. the jig was up and the rest is history mind you I did drag the court case on for six years and it cost me nothing as they had "deprived" me of earning a living at my trade, again another blog as I feel this one is starting to spiral out of control.

Do I miss it? actually the honest answer is no! it was starting to be bloody hard work, the fun was going out of it, was I any good? yeah sorry I was fucking really good, but the shine was off the apple and I love the job I do more! it just took twenty years to get to the good bit! the wife would love me to go back to it, but I'm not as dumb as I look it's a younger person's game now, someone up with technology skills (so not me) and can multi task (again so not me) I like doing my blogs and the occasional book, ask me to write a song now would be like pulling a tooth using an egg whisk.....nigh on impossible, so don't live in the past live for today as tomorrow may never come, there I can still write like the old days and there is the potential for at least another two to follow on not morose (although it bloody well should be) hopefully a witty (WTF) take on a time long long ago, so watch the skies for the next thrilling episode of..........Toodles!

Glad Tidings

What a difference a week makes, what a difference people in your life makes! what would people do without Google hahahahaha once more comments came thick and fast after the last blog and even Nils got the name game, I couldn't have made it any easier (could I Dave hahahahaha) so again I thank you all, the comments did indeed cheer this boy, after the blog I had to get on with life some good new some bad ....OK mainly bad but you know what I didn't really care!

I have played a lot of music this week and I know how much I have missed it and I don't miss the fact how much of it has been seventies and although I post a lot of it too my farcebook page trust me you guys only get about 10% (Van Morrison as I sit typing this) and a lot of reading with copious amounts of writing in between! so there are seeds being planted, we can only wait to see what fruit it bears, will it be bitter or sweet lets wait and see?

The wife was stricken down last night so I had to play nursie again, its been awhile but she eventually drifted off to sleep, and I lost myself in my writing and loads of music, only realising how late it was when even the old man of the house said sod off, the hard part was getting the dear lady to navigate the stairs and into bed before she truly woke up (now she knows how I am most nights!). a late night for me but not for her but I was sat at the back door 4 hours later enjoying the sun sat with said old man at my side.

Next week is going to be busy busy busy but I intend to go with the flow, I know I say this all the time but this time I really do intend to try (hahahaha)  and keep the drama down to a dull roar, if that is even possible? a lot of the art of the body swerve and as all ways too many cunning plans for the coffers, but we will try and do what we do best(argue.....no I'm sure that that's wrong). again I need to try and settle into a pattern for writing (as long as it's not all doom and gloom) play lots more music and indeed do some reading, it's not much I know but it's what I have, so I will go with the tools I have at my disposal.

I feel like a bit of a bum at the moment, so a soak and a shave is the order of the day (after I have done our dinner) see it's not all about rock n roll, sometimes its about the little things that all add up to a hill of something, so as I lie flat on my back on that particular hill, waving at stars but not quite reaching the clouds never mind stars, enjoy life it's the only we get, just know I'm in a good place (for now hahaha) and that's what truly matters so place nice and watch the skies there could be something heading your way incoming.....Toodles!

A light in the black

Today has been a good day it wasn't anything brilliant to start with just another day on the plague carrier , but I received a message from a friend out of the blue who was genuinely concerned about me and my mental health, I will admit to being happy that I hadn't been playing bus seat roulette, so I was sat right at the front and when I read it not only did it make me happy, I actually cried not boo hoo tears, but my eyes were moist (oo er missus) it doesn't take much, but I was a happy camper when I got to work, not exactly Julie Andrews but not Genghis khan either ( I may have got those two mixed up) isn't it surprising how such a small token of friendship can turn that frown upside down!

I know I must come across as a miserable git (ooops sorry the wife's description) but in reality I'm not, I,m usually a happy go with the flow type of person (hang on while all of the people who do know me roll around the floor laughing catch  their breath) I really don't want much, and as a rule I'm generally happy with my lot. Now if I was to use a word to describe myself I would use melancholy it's something that I think suits me in general, mind you I was described as a fun loving, passionate, go to guy by my boss this morning (haven't got a clue if he meant me but he was pointing in my general direction and he was selling my place of work so why the hell use me as a symbol of hope ....oh dear) so I suppose what other people see, I don't and I get that I really do, now sometimes I have dark moods and for a long time they have stayed away from me, but for some reason they have reared their ugly heads, why I have no idea. this is why I have asked for professional help, I pay my taxes so I feel no shame in asking for a helping hand. having said that reading through the paperwork I foresee trouble ahead, which if pushed I will just walk away and say fuck it, but lets not pour petrol on the bridge in advance of setting fire to it (my usual get out of jail free card).

I'm aware that I'm not dying of some incurable disease (actually I am it's called life) and to be honest if I'm coming across as a whinging Pom (Alright Skeet) it's not my intention but after carrying this issue around for over thirty years, I want it put to bed, gone, sorted, whatever phrase suits it best I want to lead a normal life (hang on I have that nagging wife kids debt job etc etc) without carrying all of the excess baggage! some of it yes ,I have no issue there, but not for it to play like a stuck record over and over again. so once more from the heart of my bottom (nope I'm sure that right....erm) I cannot say thank you enough for all the gestures of kindness that I have received, although the one that I received this morning has struck the biggest chord (ha I made a funny sort of) although I'm not sure of the nude manly wrestling cough splutter!

I'm a better man today than I was yesterday, I know I'm a man of many colours we all, are if we were all the same we would be a boring planet would we not, what happens tomorrow is not at my beck and call! I can only play with the cards I'm dealt with at the time, but I  intend to live my life to the best of my ability and I can only do that thanks to my family and friends, I thank you all especially those who hear my voice, it's nice to know that there is indeed a light out there in the darkness for lost souls like myself again I thank you all until the next time .....Toodles!

Nils the name game is still in play and you haven't got any of the last twenty or so, if you don't get this one well you aren't the fan you claim to be hahahahahaha

Balance of power

It would appear that most of you lot (yes you lot) think that we are in mortal danger from our very own government!

That's an awful lot of you sensing a threat and some genuine malice, What makes me worry is the fact that I personally don't see it! hell yes I can see the inefficiencies and the incompetence, but lets be honest here we see that all of the time in our everyday lives! Lets be honest here regardless of which dumb ass is in charge (oops sorry inside voice) to tell the truth I have always welcomed that!

I don't like my government to be big and cold and calculating and especially profit making. bureaucracies driven by some young buck who claims to know what they are doing! if you have a quick glance back in history you would see that a well organised leadership tend to enjoy well organised parades (with blonde hair and blue eyes) usually followed by some well organised ethnic cleansing, which is why I like my government to be as dumb as a box of frogs!

I have no problem with a little confusion or waste, it might just keep me from getting a one way ticket in a cattle car if you get my drift (although I have enough Germanic blood if required hahaha) to the back of beyond some place worse than even Gimpsville! are our pennies being misspent on poorly organised schemes? hell yeah, do we get more bang for what we pay for? of course we don't, does our post or trains arrive on time? of course not, are our methadone clinics working at full capacity? actually probably yes they are! but just bear this mind politicians who cant find their own ass (I'm getting to like that word) without a torch and a hand mirror (hello Boris) are not likely to find me either.

To paraphrase Fish "I don't trust the government" ha he also said "I don't trust alternatives" woo hoo three in twenty four hours that's me done, an early rise in the morning for the whole week so until the next time Toodles! 

Hanging on the telephone

As I get older (yeah me) I feel more alone and disconnected with the world, My phone is my one and only constant companion and thanks to it's confidence I can connect with the outside world! As I feel more and more lost my phone calmly knows how to help me to reach my destination, as I struggle to remember even mundane facts like the name of a film or a type of........(damn where's my phone) my phone literally recalls everything I need (the smug little bastard). As I increasingly lose the memory of verbs nouns and adjectives (actually did I ever know them) that were there to help articulate the small grey cells, my own thoughts that little black piece of plastic taunts me with it's instant access to every word that has ever been written.

There is and can only be one possible conclusion slowly (like skynet) the phone is taking over the world (don't laugh) .....when the hell did my brain get outsourced (at least it's in my own accent) to make matters worse it bloody well knows it, Now it's starting to screw with me (please join the queue) simply because it can! several times a day it buzzes me in my pocket and not in a sexual way, alerting me to the fact that some vital piece of information has just arrived. but when I look nothing at all (WTF) no email, no text no alert, was the vibration all in my head and some kind of sick wishful need?

I don't think so I think it's screwing with me, the thing is (not so gently) mocking me and not just mine it's all of them every single one, they are slowly robbing us of our intelligence (hahahaha yeah right) of our humanity even, it can only be a matter of time before a newer model arrives with its own opposable thumb, hell yeah they are smart evil genius smart (who are you calling paranoid?).

I have to get the message out to the world before it's too late ah bollocks I have no signal what the hell is...............................

I did warn you lot until the next time I do believe I'm on a roll until the next time Toodles!

Script for a Jesters Tears

This one has been an awful long time in coming, in actual fact I have spent four hours before I wiped it and started a fresh, I keep bleating on about that I'm concerned about being miserable all of the time! I have come to the conclusion that it's what I am, for better or worse its exactly who I am, so for better or worse it's my life like it or lump it!

The work week has been as always hectic and if I am honest, (I do try to be honest) I like the fact that I can lose myself in work, without work I do believe I would go totally over to the dark side, and that's not something I want to do, I realise that I do indeed have so much to live for and the fact that although I'm generally unhappy with my lot, it's mine and it's down to me to fix it and nobody else! as you are all aware that I have  had a few disturbing posts of late and I finally reached out for the help that I require, we wait with baited breath to see what happens, I keep feeling trigger happy sat in the life's waiting room playing Russian roulette, stand straight tomorrow's here yesterday's gone I need to deal with the now and not what is out there in the stratosphere!

Music has been helping as always mainly, Fish and Fish era Marillion although I'm heading back to late seventies and early eighties rock, it helps me feeling human and not like some diamonded Harlequin, seeking sanctuary from my dreams, they are indeed my dreams! innocence has surprised me and resurrected hope and that in itself has more questions than answers?  looking at the world through shades of green instead of shades of blue (this was originally called jealousy) as I realised that my problems is that I'm actually jealous of the world and all the colours of life that I don't seem to taste! my life seems to be predominantly black and it's a colour I'm starting to hate, as is probably everybody around me.

I have noticed I can't take a compliment (WTF) and I see things that are not there (no not paranoia) have I always been like this? I don't know. I'm not sure how many of you nice people give me a compliments? but it's unnerving that I seem to have this trait, I had never noticed it before but it seems that I always keep putting myself down, (WTF) why the hell do I do that? I know I have a "different" sense of humour is this the root of my problems I don't know and more importantly should I care? I'm sure I will find out soon enough. I have done tons of writing for the blog over the last couple of weeks and nothing fitted, it all seemed skewed sort of incomplete, it wasn't bad it wasn't depressing (like this one hahahahaha) it just didn't seem right, it's like I didn't hear  myself with the same voice as I normally do (damn this is making me sound so bloody nutty it's unreal) I do know the writing has helped and helped a lot and although I'm not keeping everything It's cathartic it means I'm not going off like a scatter gun and going loopy with  the family which I have to admit I'm trying to keep some  anger at bay all  the time,  Somehow I don't think that's a good thing hahahaha.

As I  have travelled back and forward to work, I have worked on a blog entitled Jealousy ( I might have mentioned that just checking to see if you are paying attention at the back) and I liked it! it was dark but not morose, it was what my head has been processing for the last few days, every time I thought I had an angle on it wallop it would kick me in the slats and take me back to being the miserable person that I have been over the last few blogs  and I'm sorry but with little steps I intend to be miles away, before the misery in me knows that I am indeed well away! although I have utilised the first part from what I was writing, it seemed as though there were just riddle upon riddle and I need to return to a more simplistic approach and not over think the process, so here's the deal if I have an idea get it down on paper (as always) polish it and get it up on here as quick as I can I do believe that was the success of the original page as I was always told in the army Keep It Simple Stupid!
 so the days of blogs of custard creams and insulting rednecks might see a return well! OK so not the insulting of rednecks, but you get the general idea!

Thursday was a long day with a few curveballs thrown in but even though it was a long day it could have been so much worse and as always I like to focus on something in front of me and keep that to help me through the day, Friday I was duty dog (me with my reputation) and although the shift ended as quickly as it had begun, I was confused about my bus times (easily happens at my age) I ran out of the door simply as I didn't want to  get shouted at (for working for a living). I soon realised after I got to my bus stand that the times change after seven (D'OH!)so I could have hobbled there with no worries, but no I went as fast as my little legs would carry me, I then saw the world and his camel waiting for the same bus this was going to be a long ride but at least I could get a seat at some point in the ride home (erm no that's not true) the bus was full of noisy teenagers (hang em all I say) and pissed up old aged pensioners, damn I needed a seat after two long days, the bus slowly emptied but it took all the way to Shotley Bridge before I got the sweet relief I craved, I wasn't a happy Bunny going through the front door (no surprise there then) but I was attempting  to be civil, the eldest still fraying every last nerve but I opted not to have a drink to help decompress, as that would not help me with my loose tongue,I ended up on the laptop writing and writing some more, until I was tempted with a soft seat on the couch and the surprisingly long Blink! finally I awoke and headed to a singular sleep that was so divine I was the last one up this morning (WTF) and felt rested for it.

Today has been as always a strange day, as always a prisoner in my own house as it appears that I wear an anklet that means I'm not trusted out of the house, so I did keep an eye on (work) emails and did some more writing silly stuff, stuff to humour me nobody else, I worked a little on the great novel (hahahaha) which will be the last book that I do indeed publish, 14 years in the planning and not a word written hahahahaha I could do with a solitary week away somewhere to crack on and do nothing but try and crack the big one! Or maybe just a week me doing what I used to do twenty years ago off with the habit of the windswept thumb, who knows because I know I don't and that is really my issue, I haven't got a bloody clue, and that's me done! Not the blog that started and after this gets posted, I will continue with the writing I feel as though I have words streaming out of me in a good way, so I will go with the flow and try and not upset the world or it's friends I hope this wasn't too psychedelic for you and yes there will be more in the next few days so watch the skies, thanks as always for the kind words and support you know who you are ....onwards Toodles!