Monday 28 January 2013

Panama

I feel as though I'm turning into Dave Lee Roth! I am writing this blog deep in the heart of some jungle in Panama, The heat is oppressive The mosquito's are massive and are biting the crap out of me and as for the natives let me tell you the natives are bloody restless and hungry for the Englishman! specifically ground "ME" what was I thinking coming here from Gimpsville? what insanity led me to jump on the 45 straight out of Gimpsville and straight into this living hell?

Gimpsville oh how I miss Gimpsville that snow covered sweet little pit village high in the English Andes! forgive me for not seeing your beauty even in the deepest bleakest winter! but for now that matters not one jot! Either way my time is running out, funny how your perception changes with just a dash of danger added to the mix! The fact that I missed out on the golden blog awards for the thirty seventh year running, it all seems so unimportant to me now the fact that me an independent reporter for The Kundalini Express   and a voting member of the worldwide blog association offers me small comfort the natives are hungry and are on my tail, and as they lower me into the big boiling pot (errrr what's up doc!) and I close my eyes on this world I will have at least the satisfaction of knowing that while I may not be to every body's taste in blogs, if I was sauteed in a little butter and Garlic I will be at least to every body's taste for lunch!

WTF the boy has lost it and you would be correct days stuck in a white wonderland fighting the elements (and trust me me this old cripple has indeed fought the elements of the last week and a bit)
for over a week and a jolly jaunt with some jolly chaps was cancelled at the last minute as the wife went down with frostbite or some other disease (we need to sort this out as it's happening more and more and one of these days I'm not going to be there and she will do some serious damage to herself) I need some adult company as these four walls and the wife's company is grating and besides she keeps picking up sharp implements and staring at me.....oops

This was just something to throw out there to prove that I can do something as sensible as a Dave Lee Roth lyric until next time.....Toodles!

Sunday 27 January 2013

Shy boy

I was recently asked by a reader and fellow blogger (no names no pack drill hahahaha I don't advertise on yours you don't advertise on mine) why do I Blog? (erm.....because it makes me a fortune.....not!) It seemed like a simple enough Question but the truth is I didn't have a bloody clue!

Why do I write them? Well of course not for the money (it certainly wouldn't keep me in custard creams) although one day I do hope a modicum of reward would be nice! I suppose it's a creative exercise (me with my reputation) from which I do occasionally derive some pleasure, well actually no I have always struggled to mine these nuggets (and I always second guess myself to decide if there is any merit to what I have written or is it just drivel....don't answer that) so again I ask the question why the hell do I do it?

Well after careful consideration, I have come to believe that it's actually cheaper than therapy, I believe if I had been able to communicate better in my formative years, I would have had less compulsion for verbal diarrhoea now! This leads me to wonder should I actually tell this person that I write these blogs because I was incapable of expressing myself as a youngster, a situation that caused me unbearable anguish and pain  which appears to be only now leaving me!

Maybe? Nah I told them I write them because they are fun to do (erm sometimes, sometimes not) but this leads me to a question: if they write about what I write what kind of miserable childhood did they have?

You decide .......Toodles!

Thursday 24 January 2013

Snow flakes are dancing

It's official I am an old man, my health has been crappy since I finally got my knees done (sob) but the thing i miss the most is playing in the snow, well no more i have hung up my ICI poly bag, I now struggle to walk in the white stuff never mind roll about throwing snowballs or just generally being a loon!

The weather although was always looming in the background and it had the potential that it could be crap, well it took a turn for the worst last weekend, It was expected but because us up here in Gimpsville are exposed and very high up we got well and truly twatted, 15 inches over 3 days was the worst snow fall  in living memory, yes we have had worse just not in such a short period of time, I thought the weekend would see the worst of it out, I went to bed Sunday knowing work was going to be a whirlwind, but i was stopped dead in my tracks as i got up at 4.30 (yes really 4.30) only to be met with white as far as the eye could see, my lift (who probably would have prattled on about snow and how we get it......fuck off) rang and told me there was no way he could climb the hill to collect me, and if he can't get here trust me no bugger can, so i fired up the trusty laptop and cracked on from here, I was a lovely surprise for the wife (not) when she got up, but the day was going to be a slog Monday being our normal shopping day we had to do it by foot through the Gulag archipelago (copyright the wife) we now know how the Wehrmacht felt as they struggled across the hard Russian steppes to Moscow (bloody cold)in the winter of 1941, the Kraken had been due to go and have an operation, this was looking in doubt, operation bellyache would probably hit us once we confirmed that it was a no go!

Shopping complete we then had to go and get some supplies through to the Kraken (and our youngest) and it looked like a bloody long hike but thankfully there was a limited service by the bus company so the hike turned into a ride and we were soon home after the shortest of trips, the eldest bitched and moaned that we weren't looking after the hurricane (erm your on holiday and we are............SNOWED IN!) some people are just not worth going to Jail for! we had a blocked bath which wasn't ice as was suspected but we came we saw we kicked it's furry little ass, Tuesday was just as bad so we basically kicked back  and and did what we could including, digging our car out (thanks to Craig the unknown soldier) for the trip to the hospital the following day, we shuffled off to bed and on the third day i finally got to work, the wife attempted to get the car out of the yard only to be slagged off by the Kraken for even trying to do the right thing! and yes the hospital trip was cancelled.

Today was more of the same, some snow starting to melt but still not quite enough i fear with more on the way tomorrow, it actually dawned on me that I hadn't blogged in ages so I thought I better had before the snow comes and reclaims my waking hours, I am desperate for this bloody lottery win so I can get the hell out of dodge and move further down the mountain so not to suffer like madmen, whenever there is a coating of frosting every bloody where else! ah well payday tomorrow and closer to the finish line of March (everything crossed) and to join the land of the living and for us (hopefully) being able to join the real world on a regular basis, on that reasonably happy note (for me anyways) i will bear you adieu for now and will promise to blog a little bit more often and not so erratically (yes you read that right ) until the next time ......Toodles!

Oh and I still feel old and I really do hate this white stuff that is lying everywhere!

Saturday 12 January 2013

Gravity

I don't care what anybody says, I am not a middle aged man (although as I sit and type this I feel ancient) the middle of something is equidistant from the beginning to the end(and I doubt I will live another 48 years I would like to but I doubt it will happen) I feel a new term should be produced for people of my age but I doubt three quarters man although accurate is likely to catch on.
When people say I look young for my age hahahahaha I look to see if they are still taking a regular dose of methadone (OK so I look about twelve when I shave off my beard and that doesn't happen very often) what they really mean is that I'm not fat or bald(erm) when I see blokes my age fat and bald I feel so relieved,I'm sure that certain parts of my anatomy are starting to defy gravity (I'm sure that my testicles have long since given up the war- well sometimes it seems like they have....ooops TMI again).

Well my waist lets just say I need a Boomerang to put my belt on, sleeping has become way more important than sex(when the hell did that happen......no it's rhetorical I don't want to be embarrassed) I can quite easily dislocate my shoulder simply by brushing my bloody teeth (not joking) if I'm not careful, I doubt I exude testosterone anymore (actually did I ever? - Postcards to the usual address) if anything I probably exude a cunning mix of sweat and flatulence....stunning I'm a real catch hahahaha! When beautiful women look at me actually I think that should read when beautiful women look through me!

I've found I have begun (what do you mean begun) to resent younger men with their arrogance charm, hair,good looks ah what the hell I'm sure you get the picture, I no longer panic about becoming more like my parents I panic that I will stay like them! so that's two in one day and this morning I was in a deep dark place thankfully after  looking after the corpse and chatting to my brother I feel more level headed and not so down in the dumps still feel shattered but there's a sailor turned up by the name of Jerry who is keeping me company and no it's not false hope I waited until I was happy before deciding to use my never ending glass that E & G got me for Christmas (god that seems so long ago) tomorrow will be a day of work and if I have some time some writing feeling better with each word typed bring it on until then watch the skies and I will see you on the other side .....Toodles!

Reach Out

I just wanted to take the time and opportunity to say thank you (there's just not enough good old fashioned manners out there in the world) for reading the blogs/books/twatter all the media items I throw out there (after all I am a media whore...but you know that already) particularly those who stick with me through good times and bad times, or when I'm not in a good place (like today) and for all the support from people around the world that don't even realise that they are indeed helping this short fat bald speccy gadgy (relax I'm not putting myself down just trying to lift the mood).

So this is me trying to "reach out" (yes a song title but an obscure one) and say "TA" it's truly hard to grasp who aren't connected actually take time out of their days to read all this stuff (but trust me I'm glad that you do) you are a small and dedicated group of "freaks" who could (and you probably do) read something else altogether grown up and adult, and I can't really say "TA" enough, numbers are steady but as always could do better and as they sit there sticking their fingers up at me I'm sure I can live with it!

The week has been so busy and has actually worn me out and kept me quiet (I know me with my reputation) and although I could do with a bloody good drink I'm sat here forcing this out of me to ensure that I keep on track with all of my writing, as I look after the corpse that is my wife after yet another collapsing episode I woke up to something going thump in the night, I have bought an abundance of work home which hasn't even been looked at yet, tomorrow will be a busy day which will not be overly enthused over but life goes on and hopefully I can get over the hump and crack on. this is only a blip in the road and hopefully the next one will have me back to my cheery self hahahahaha until then Toodles!

Friday 4 January 2013

Bring me the horizon

Then one moment it was here, the new year that is, and the whole range of emotions that goes with it, but lets start the year as we mean to go, so hold on to your pants my dears here we go!

The wife although not being in a wonderful state was at least firing on at least five out of six cylinders and it was her birthday, so we intended a low key type of affair but still a night out she was driving, so a drinkie poo's was out of the question, but quality company always helps! so we headed off to South Shields and we were met not by one company but two fantastical groups of people, the wife didn't know where to put herself, thankfully she was a social butterfly and flitted between the two groups like a pro (not in a sleazy kind of way)and had a wonderful evening. Me I'm a cripple I headed to a short seat even though Fi had been kind enough to drag a high chair of more than forty times her body weight towards the high table, more than likely for the wife but the this boy can hope can't he? and the conversation flowed like a fine wine, people still had the lurgy but had made the effort so made the wife just that little bit happier (and trust me she was happy) soon some had to move off to see Uli Jon Roth (only thirty too late) and we stayed as the company shrunk making cunning plans and generally chilling, we soon had to head back to Gimpsville with that satisfied glow that you get when you have had a great time.

The next day was new years eve and our intention was to do as little as possible and that's exactly what we did, we chilled watched a few movies and generally had a great night it was after one by the time that we realised what the time was, not the most explosive night out but not the worst either, the wife was back to being fragile and trying to battle on but she didn't need to, chill relax everything will be there in the morning. We had a slight lie in and although a large meal as always was planned it would be later than Christmas dinner so we weren't in any hurry, the decorations taken down and then the first argument of the year over..............nothing arrived, go figure but we got over the hump just as quick as it arrived so the dark clouds soon buggered off, and the day went on, meal concluded and the Kraken deposited back in her lair and off to bed as work called me on the second day of the new year!

The village of the damned was filled with just that! and if I had a small donation for every stupid person I dealt with the family money worries would indeed been have finished years ago, I noticed that the work load was just as big as ever so I can foresee some cunning plans ahead and plenty of plate spinning, but that's not what this about, another quiet night at home but a worrying one as I did my usual clearing of the cupboards to discover some worryingly out of date items in the cupboards, what I want to know is how I missed them the last two years .... ooops! The next day back to the village with even more idiots and a trend that is making me just a tad nervous, nothing for you the general public to worry about but me hell yeah!

Another quiet night but a sleepless one and an early rise which in reality I needn't have done, but work was relentless (as always) but crying about it isn't going to resolve it so heeds doon boys and girls, home at the allotted our and a cunning plan to watch The Hobbit on the sofa and well we both blinked although the grumpy one said I slept longer than her (that's because I'm bloody busy at work) but the wife was sinking so I wasn't too naughty in my taunting of her, the doggie was back to being poorly again, and so after night this morning I rose really early with my head bouncing like G had been drip feeding me the Jagie! god I was wrecked but the early rise helped me with the log jam for the new book which has too be finished in a fortnight (yes boys and girls the juices are flowing ....in a good way) so while in pain and waiting for my lift I fleshed out four new ideas for chapters for the book and this weekend shall be spent sorting them out.

Another day at work trapped in hell with too much to do and not enough time in the day to do it all to the standard that I know can be done, dealing with silly people again and delivering more training that people are going to get sick of before I do(they wanted more so I have the next thirteen weeks mapped out hahahaha you should never dare a fool you wanted the best but I suppose that I will have to do!) and then a mad dash for the finish line and the week for work was over my head had subsided to a dull roar but I was happy when I got home to find the youngest home and the wife at least being able to walk around (OK just a little bit) so the evening shall be spent in quiet bliss (hopefully).

The weekend will bring what it will we have a few cunning plans but health issues are the main concern so we cross all of our extremities in the vain hope that all should go well! and for the rest of the year well lets just put one footstep in front of another, I have had a number of queries asking me my opinion on some very serious matters and why I don't blog about them, well to be truthful I just want to get through my life and hopefully entertain one or two of you with my inane drivel, there is enough well meaning more educated people out there in Blog world doing just that and trust me if I do indeed have something to say I will and I will warn you all in advance because this is not the medium for that, I have enough thoughts about what ails society, how we can cure all the woes of the world etc etc but for now I will waffle for England about life the universe and belly button fluff and from time to time Custard Creams!

The year will bring what it brings in life as in blogs and the such like I am not the controller of my destiny, for the better part I would say I'm happy and that's all in honesty I require, my health issues I intend to concentrate and too look after the wife as she struggles with a number of ailments that I wish I could more to help, but the world keeps spinning so bring me the horizon so I can grab it with both hands and have as much fun with it as possible, more blogs and stuff is incoming so enjoy them while they do indeed come your way and until the next time .......Toodles!